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JE fic: "Anatomy in 10 Parts" (Jin/Kame, Jin/Yamapi)
Title: Anatomy in 10 Parts
Pairing/Group: Jin/Kame, Jin/Yamapi
Rating: R
Warnings: Sex. Angst. Language. Drug-use.
Summary: Crossposted from my journal, apologies to anybody affected. I wrote these drabbles using the following meme, and then decided to connect them up to use as a fic. They are non-linear, because I'm pretentious like that. :D
1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Put iTunes or equivelent media player on random.
3. For each song that plays, write something related to the theme you picked inspired by the song. You have only the time frame of the song: no planning beforehand: you start when it starts, and no lingering afterward; once the song is over, you stop writing. (No fair skipping songs either; you have to take what comes by chance!)
4. Do 10 of these, then post.
1. KAT-TUN, Peak
He tells himself that he won't go surfing on YouTube when he's in America, because what's the point in a break if you're not breaking away? Still, when Peak is released, Jin finds himself following it: the PV, the publicity, the interviews, the lot.
Something happens to Kame when Jin isn't around, Jin sees that now. There's a confidence in him, an edge in him-- a snarl that can be heard on the song, a nonchalance that only now feels free to be. Kame is better when Jin isn't there. A different person; a better person.
Somebody with the self-esteem people credit Jin with would stop watching the footage, would stop torturing themselves. Funny, that.
He comes back six months later and a bit, and no matter how many times he practices, no matter how many times they all sing it, he still hates the song.
“Do you think it's not right for the band's image?” Kame asks, over beer, over a crowded bar where people are shouting and spilling their drinks on the floor.
“No,” Jin says, after a long pause. “I think that's me. Only it's not like a costume change, is it? It's not as simple as airbrushing, as easy as tweaking a dodgy vocal on a recording. Is it?”
“Why are you still here?” The question is valid, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting. Jin looks at Kame across the table and the answer is in his eyes, Kame's face reflected there, the weird blue tinge of the lights making him seem alien and weird.
“Oh,” Kame says. “You--”
“It doesn't matter,” Jin says. “It doesn't matter anymore.”
2. Pirates of The Caribbean: At World's End, Up Is Down
Yamapi and Jin make up games when they get bored of the ones they've got. Their latest favourite is Drinking Game Twister. The nature of the game, as they explain to Ryo (they need somebody to spin the wheel, obviously) is self-explanatory: two people play Twister, but whenever a certain combination of colours and limbs comes up, both must drink a shot. In whichever position they find themselves in.
“That is fucking stupid,” Ryo says, but he agrees to spin the wheel, because it's the kind of stupid that makes excellent pictures.
The game doesn't move fast enough, mainly because Yamapi only picked one combination and it doesn't come up, ever. Jin suggests a few more, “anything with left feet, right feet and red and blue!”, and then they come up all the time, too much, probably. Jin tries to drink his upside down, spilling vodka all over his own face and Yamapi's feet.
“You look like a pretzel,” Ryo says, spinning the wheel with his foot and taking photos at weird angles, hooting with laughter. Jin keeps trying to headbutt him, the only part of his body not plastered to the board, but Ryo is quick and nimble, and Jin is pretty drunk, besides.
“Jin,” Yamapi says. “Left foot on blue.”
“I'm already on, oh fuck, hang on,” Jin says, looking down. He makes the uneasy transition from one blue to another, straddling Yamapi, who looks like a crab, face-up, wobbling.
“At least I'm not upside down anymore,” he says, happily, as Yamapi tilts a shot glass up to his mouth.
“That's cheating,” Ryo says. “Why the fuck are you doing him a favour? You dickhead, the game's yours!”
“Heh,” Yamapi says. “You don't know what he's doing with his hips.”
3. Cobra Starship, Guilty Pleasure
Kame doesn't do nightclubs. Jin does. Kame doesn't do staying up all night, period. Jin wouldn't get up before 2pm if he could get away with it. Kame likes white clothes and Jin likes black and, fuck, he gets it already, chalk and cheese, night and day, whatever.
The first problem is that Kame seems to expect some kind of synchrony from Jin, which is fair enough, Jin guesses. Sex is one of those things that binds people together, breeds expectation and bonding and all of that. Even in people like Kame, people who don't like to rely on anybody or give up a single solitary part of themselves to somebody else. People like Kame, who are stupid and confusing and don't ask for monogamy, but do ask for wet towels to be hung back on the rail and not strewn across the floor. People like Kame who start out having sex with you then find reasons to just stop.
The second problem is that Jin doesn't compromise himself, much. He allows Kame to wake him up at 10 in the morning, he allows Kame to criticize him if he thinks it'll help the band. Just, when Kame asks him to stop smoking out of the window, to stop drinking on weeknights, to stop coming home from the clubs clumsy-handed and hard as nails and roughing Kame up under the bedsheets – Jin doesn't really listen to that.
The third particularly, because it hurts too much to think about it.
One Saturday, he comes home from Roppongi, fed up of cockteases and having to talk to fans disguised as girls-in-short-skirts-who'd-probably-put-out, and he's prepared to just dive beneath the covers and take out his frustration on somebody else.
Only when he walks through the door, Kame's not asleep. It's six in the morning, the only people still awake are those who never went to bed to begin with, trust Kame to be different. He's standing at the window and he's smoking one of Jin's cigarettes, and he's wearing a pair of Jin's jeans and his hair is mussed and he's looking, just looking:
“What are you doing,” Jin says, dropping his coat on the floor. “Have you had somebody here?”
He goes over and buries his nose in Kame's neck, but can't smell anything except Kame, his cigarettes, a bit of Jin from yesterday. Kame turns his head indulgently, and when he speaks it's rough.
“No,” Kame says. “I'm waiting for you to tell me why you go out, when I'm right here.”
4. Butthole Surfers, Whatever (I Had A Dream)
Yamapi knows that it's a bad idea to listen to anything Jin says, which is why he makes most of the suggestions. They're both naïve and stupid, but Yamapi's just a little bit more sensible, just a little bit more mature, it makes the idea sound just a bit more like something they should do, rather than something they shouldn't. They swear each other to secrecy, even Ryo doesn't know, even Kame, nobody. Their little secret. Their sordid little secret.
It takes a while to stick. Yamapi goes first, because it's his idea, his stupid idea. It's only white powder but it seems a lot more when it's in front of him, where Jin's cutting it with a credit card because he saw it in a movie once and thought it looked cool.
“If we're caught with this,” Yamapi says, shuddering through it, wrinkling his face like a rabbit. “God, we're fucked.”
“We could go into dealing,” Jin laughs, not taking it all seriously, going next, eager and excited. There's a vibration in his fingers as he leans forward and takes the whole line, braver than Yamapi, braver than anyone Yamapi's ever met.
They sit for a while, and it takes a while.
“Are you sure it's right?” Yamapi says, to Jin, wondering whether he managed to get sold sugar instead, it'd be just like Jin to throw away a fucking fortune for a bit of sugar.
“Yes,” Jin hisses. “Just relax. Fucking hell.”
Yamapi only realises that it's working when Jin's worked his trousers undone and he's kneeling before him, and Yamapi can't remember how he got there, can't remember the moment it seemed okay, maybe it's always been okay. Jin is grinning and there's a little white there that isn't his teeth and when he takes Yamapi's cock (when did he get hard?) in his mouth there's a rush that's like nothing he's ever felt in his life.
It's teenage, the coming-after-fifteen-seconds, teenage and painful and embarrassing, and Jin laughs like Ryo, like a stray dog, in his throat – and he only stops when Yamapi climbs into his lap, and makes him.
5. Vienna Teng, Homecoming (Walter's Song)
When they all meet up in New York, everybody tries to encourage him. They stand in a line as if they're greeting a Prime Minister, and Jin walks alongside the line, wondering whether he should shake their hands or hug them or what. Nakamaru clutches his arm and squeezes as he smiles, in a way that's reassuring and everything that he needs. Ueda nods at him, and Junno makes a joke about the Empire State Building being made out of pencils.
Jin's most nervous about Kame when he gets to Kame, but Kame just smiles in a way that reminds him of some feeling years and years ago that he can't place. And when they stand there, no more than a foot apart, Jin wonders why the hell he ever left. And when Kame takes a step forward and wraps his arms around Jin's shoulders, and presses himself close-
“It's alright,” he says, Kame says, in that voice that Jin recognises as a leader's voice, as a voice that rings true. It is truly alright. “Yamapi asked me to say hi. He misses you.”
“Do you miss me,” Jin says, in Kame's ear, because he doesn't want the others to hear it.
“No,” Kame says, lightly, a little laugh somewhere in a syllable. “I'm here now, aren't I?”
6. Chris Cornell, You Know My Name
“Jin comes here, and I want to know what the attraction is.” Kame says, when Ryo asks him what the hell he's doing out after midnight.
“That's sad,” Ryo says. “You should have said, 'I like to have fun sometimes, you know'. I might've kept a bit of respect for you, then.”
Kame drinks, if only to delay having to respond. “Ueda might say something like that,” he says, idly. “I think we both know this isn't my thing.”
“You're so selfless,” Ryo says, rolling his eyes. “What are you trying to do, keep an eye on him?”
“No,” Kame says. “You guys do such a good job of that already.”
“Hey,” Yamapi says. “You know what he is. It isn't our job to keep him faithful.”
Ryo stills a hand on his arm, slides another drink across to him as Kame scowls and looks away.
“I come here,” Kame says, “because I keep hoping he's going to notice the effort I'm making.”
“Turning up at a club isn't making an effort,” Ryo says. “It's jealousy, and he knows it. He knows why you're here.”
“I don't think so,” Kame says, downing the rest of his drink. He wishes he hadn't come. More than anything, he wishes he'd never got into Jin's bed, so long ago. So many fucking lifetimes and so many drinks and so many nights with an ache in his stomach, waiting for Jin to come home.
“You don't sleep with him,” Yamapi says, over Ryo's shoulder. “You're punishing him for god only knows what, and you don't sleep with him. You don't do anything with him. You just keep him with you. And you wonder why the hell he's always running away.”
“Pi,” Ryo says, and it's a warning as much as it is a consolation.
“I let you sleep with him,” Kame says, and it's more tired than it is aggressive.
“Good for you,” Yamapi says, leaning away from the bar and towards the crowd. “You don't have to deal with his guilt afterwards.”
7. Derek and The Dominoes, Layla
Yamapi finds Jin easily, even in the throng of people, the undulation that moves on its own. Jin has a beer bottle in his hands, touching his upper lip and the electricity than runs through glass and wet skin runs through Yamapi, too.
“Kame's here,” he says, as he gets closer, sneaks in between Jin and a drunken girl who isn't dancing, more swaying. Jin lets go of her hips to make room.
“I know,” Jin says, and he's drunk, and angry and there's more glass in his gaze than in the bottle.
“What the hell are you doing, Jin,” Yamapi says, and Jin puts an arm around his back as if that's a response, and Yamapi moves against him despite himself, despite everything. Every time this happens it's rough and it's hard and it's sweat glistening on their backs and Jin upset in the middle of the night when he thinks that Yamapi's asleep. Every damn time, but he can't seem to stop.
“Dancing,” Jin says. “I'm just dancing, Pi.”
“Why can't you dance with him,” Yamapi says, even though it's chasing a conversation they've had a hundred times before.
“He doesn't know the steps,” Jin says, and it's sardonic and bitter, but he laughs anyway, until his voice feels hoarse and the swimming feeling in his stomach subsides.
8. The Eames Era, Could Be Anything
“Sometimes I think you want me to be somebody I'm not,” Kame says. Jin is hungover and staring into a glass of orange juice as if it's the answer to everything that's ever troubled him.
“I don't,” Jin says, eventually. “I want you to be you. Sometimes I just feel like I need something else. I'm sorry, that's fucking awful, I just-”
“I think a better person would leave you,” Kame says.
“I think a better person wouldn't have got involved in the fucking first place,” Jin retorts, his voice raising, the hair on his arms pricking up.
“How can you expect me to be nice to you?” Kame says. “Seriously? You smell like a thousand girls, Jin. A thousand different houses. I don't know where you are all night.”
“I'm with people who actually want me,” Jin says. “Who want to touch me and have me touch them, people who want me to fuck them and people who want to fuck me. People who want me, not to prove a fucking point.”
“I'm sorry that sex is so important to you,” Kame says, icily, stung, hurt. He reaches for Jin's orange juice and pours it down the sink. It was half-empty, anyway.
Jin laughs at that, and when he's stopped, Kame turns to him and folds his arms. He doesn't even need to ask for an elaboration.
“No, it's just,” Jin says, looking bang at him. “Sex isn't anywhere near as important to me as it is to you. You've been punishing me for months, withholding it. I haven't got a fucking clue why but you're sitting there, thinking that it's a fucking weapon against me. Poor, stupid Jin can't go without Kame's special something, right?”
“Jin-”
“Only it fucking backfired, didn't it, because I'll get it elsewhere if you won't give it to me, because I'm not above that. I'm not above cheating on you because you're the kind of person who likes tormenting others with your fucking sexuality.”
“Yeah,” Kame says, watching the orange juice circling the drain. “It's all my fault, isn't it. It's always my fault. You go to Yamapi and you do fucking crack and you fuck him and it's my fault-”
“I'm going to America,” Jin says, and it isn't the way he intended to say it but the fact that Kame knows about the secrets that aren't his makes him say it. His stomach crushes itself as Kame's face falls.
9. Just Jack, Stars In Their Eyes
Kame visits Jin in LA. It's something they have to keep secret, properly secret, but Johnny gives them permission and security and all sorts, stuff Jin's forgotten how to cope with. He takes Kame to Hollywood because he thinks that's the worst thing Kame can imagine doing, and they trip down the stupidly wide streets with the sun on their backs. Kame insists on looking at every star, reading every name, not because he cares but because it's thorough, and that's how Kame is.
Some of them he can't read and Jin teases him by giving him the wrong answers. After the fifteenth assurance that Junno has his own star, Kame hits Jin on the shoulder and they go somewhere to eat, to drink, to dance. Kame's different, without Jin, Jin's noticed. He's worried that when he comes back, Kame will lose all of the goodness, that he'll go all rotten again.
“I watched the PV,” Jin says. “On YouTube.”
“What did you think?” Kame says.
“I'm not sure,” he says. “Maybe I'll know when I get back. I feel kind of far away from the band right now.”
They walk some more, and they talk, and it's sunny and good on the stupidly wide streets. Good not to be on a claustrophobic Japanese train, in a tiny apartment above all the blinking lights and an endlessly black sky. Good to be in a place where the sun rises early, doesn't really go down at all.
They fall down on Jin's bed with the sunlight streaming in and Jin's hands on Kame's waist, where he's heavier and fuller and better, where the sun is in his chocolate hair and his eyes are alive. The kissing is hot chocolate, is beautiful, is addictive, Jin can't stop kissing, can't stop touching, can't stop-
“God, Kame,” he says, between kisses, between heartbeats. “Why can't it always be like this. Why can't it-”
“Stop talking,” Kame says, and kisses him so hard that his breath disappears, that his thought disappears. The sun slants across the bed and when they roll into it, their skin is all illuminated and warm, light shards catching in their hair.
10. New Order, Blue Monday
“Of course it matters,” Kame says. “Do you think that I don't want you, too?”
“I don't know,” Jin says. “Do you?”
“Yes,” Kame says. “I did a lot of thinking while you were away. I grew, Jin, we both did. And you came back, and I found that I still want you. I think you could have been away five years and I still would. Some things don't change.”
“Okay,” Jin says. “That day in LA-”
“I want it to be like that, always,” Kame says. “You meant what you said.”
“Yeah. I want that, too.”
“What do you need me to do?” Kame says. “What does it need to be like, to be like that?”
“I need you to stop...” Jin thinks, finding the right words. “Punishing me. I'm not like you and I never will be. I need you to stop judging me. To stop fucking...you withhold things when I'm not behaving and it makes me feel like a child. I started fucking around and...the crack, the shagging, it was just rebellion. I hate the games.”
“Okay,” Kame says. “I understand. It wasn't all my fault, Jin.”
“No, I know,” Jin says. “I'm sorry that I said it was.”
“Start over,” Kame says. “We can start over.”
“What do you need?”
“I just needed you to stay with me,” Kame says, shrugging. “I needed you to be with me. To validate me. The more you went away, the more I wanted you with me. You made me feel so fucking lonely, Jin. So fucking awful.”
“I know,” Jin says, and it's quietly understanding. “I need there to be sex. I'm sorry if you think that's offensive, but I need that. The way you need your quiet time, I need sex. I need to be touched. I can't take it if you go on for months without touching me.”
“It wasn't months,” Kame says. “Fuck, tell me it wasn't months.”
“It was months,” Jin says.
“Fuck,” Kame says.
“It's okay,” Jin says. “We can start over.”
“Yes.”
“We should have a starting over ritual,” Jin says, nodding, and Kame isn't sure he likes the sound of anything Jin can cook up in that brain of his but he's determined to be accepting, as much as possible. So he nods, and braces himself.
“Yamapi and I invented this game,” Jin says. “Before I went away. We should play it.”
“What's it called?”
“Drinking Game Twister."
Pairing/Group: Jin/Kame, Jin/Yamapi
Rating: R
Warnings: Sex. Angst. Language. Drug-use.
Summary: Crossposted from my journal, apologies to anybody affected. I wrote these drabbles using the following meme, and then decided to connect them up to use as a fic. They are non-linear, because I'm pretentious like that. :D
1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Put iTunes or equivelent media player on random.
3. For each song that plays, write something related to the theme you picked inspired by the song. You have only the time frame of the song: no planning beforehand: you start when it starts, and no lingering afterward; once the song is over, you stop writing. (No fair skipping songs either; you have to take what comes by chance!)
4. Do 10 of these, then post.
1. KAT-TUN, Peak
He tells himself that he won't go surfing on YouTube when he's in America, because what's the point in a break if you're not breaking away? Still, when Peak is released, Jin finds himself following it: the PV, the publicity, the interviews, the lot.
Something happens to Kame when Jin isn't around, Jin sees that now. There's a confidence in him, an edge in him-- a snarl that can be heard on the song, a nonchalance that only now feels free to be. Kame is better when Jin isn't there. A different person; a better person.
Somebody with the self-esteem people credit Jin with would stop watching the footage, would stop torturing themselves. Funny, that.
He comes back six months later and a bit, and no matter how many times he practices, no matter how many times they all sing it, he still hates the song.
“Do you think it's not right for the band's image?” Kame asks, over beer, over a crowded bar where people are shouting and spilling their drinks on the floor.
“No,” Jin says, after a long pause. “I think that's me. Only it's not like a costume change, is it? It's not as simple as airbrushing, as easy as tweaking a dodgy vocal on a recording. Is it?”
“Why are you still here?” The question is valid, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting. Jin looks at Kame across the table and the answer is in his eyes, Kame's face reflected there, the weird blue tinge of the lights making him seem alien and weird.
“Oh,” Kame says. “You--”
“It doesn't matter,” Jin says. “It doesn't matter anymore.”
2. Pirates of The Caribbean: At World's End, Up Is Down
Yamapi and Jin make up games when they get bored of the ones they've got. Their latest favourite is Drinking Game Twister. The nature of the game, as they explain to Ryo (they need somebody to spin the wheel, obviously) is self-explanatory: two people play Twister, but whenever a certain combination of colours and limbs comes up, both must drink a shot. In whichever position they find themselves in.
“That is fucking stupid,” Ryo says, but he agrees to spin the wheel, because it's the kind of stupid that makes excellent pictures.
The game doesn't move fast enough, mainly because Yamapi only picked one combination and it doesn't come up, ever. Jin suggests a few more, “anything with left feet, right feet and red and blue!”, and then they come up all the time, too much, probably. Jin tries to drink his upside down, spilling vodka all over his own face and Yamapi's feet.
“You look like a pretzel,” Ryo says, spinning the wheel with his foot and taking photos at weird angles, hooting with laughter. Jin keeps trying to headbutt him, the only part of his body not plastered to the board, but Ryo is quick and nimble, and Jin is pretty drunk, besides.
“Jin,” Yamapi says. “Left foot on blue.”
“I'm already on, oh fuck, hang on,” Jin says, looking down. He makes the uneasy transition from one blue to another, straddling Yamapi, who looks like a crab, face-up, wobbling.
“At least I'm not upside down anymore,” he says, happily, as Yamapi tilts a shot glass up to his mouth.
“That's cheating,” Ryo says. “Why the fuck are you doing him a favour? You dickhead, the game's yours!”
“Heh,” Yamapi says. “You don't know what he's doing with his hips.”
3. Cobra Starship, Guilty Pleasure
Kame doesn't do nightclubs. Jin does. Kame doesn't do staying up all night, period. Jin wouldn't get up before 2pm if he could get away with it. Kame likes white clothes and Jin likes black and, fuck, he gets it already, chalk and cheese, night and day, whatever.
The first problem is that Kame seems to expect some kind of synchrony from Jin, which is fair enough, Jin guesses. Sex is one of those things that binds people together, breeds expectation and bonding and all of that. Even in people like Kame, people who don't like to rely on anybody or give up a single solitary part of themselves to somebody else. People like Kame, who are stupid and confusing and don't ask for monogamy, but do ask for wet towels to be hung back on the rail and not strewn across the floor. People like Kame who start out having sex with you then find reasons to just stop.
The second problem is that Jin doesn't compromise himself, much. He allows Kame to wake him up at 10 in the morning, he allows Kame to criticize him if he thinks it'll help the band. Just, when Kame asks him to stop smoking out of the window, to stop drinking on weeknights, to stop coming home from the clubs clumsy-handed and hard as nails and roughing Kame up under the bedsheets – Jin doesn't really listen to that.
The third particularly, because it hurts too much to think about it.
One Saturday, he comes home from Roppongi, fed up of cockteases and having to talk to fans disguised as girls-in-short-skirts-who'd-probably-put-out, and he's prepared to just dive beneath the covers and take out his frustration on somebody else.
Only when he walks through the door, Kame's not asleep. It's six in the morning, the only people still awake are those who never went to bed to begin with, trust Kame to be different. He's standing at the window and he's smoking one of Jin's cigarettes, and he's wearing a pair of Jin's jeans and his hair is mussed and he's looking, just looking:
“What are you doing,” Jin says, dropping his coat on the floor. “Have you had somebody here?”
He goes over and buries his nose in Kame's neck, but can't smell anything except Kame, his cigarettes, a bit of Jin from yesterday. Kame turns his head indulgently, and when he speaks it's rough.
“No,” Kame says. “I'm waiting for you to tell me why you go out, when I'm right here.”
4. Butthole Surfers, Whatever (I Had A Dream)
Yamapi knows that it's a bad idea to listen to anything Jin says, which is why he makes most of the suggestions. They're both naïve and stupid, but Yamapi's just a little bit more sensible, just a little bit more mature, it makes the idea sound just a bit more like something they should do, rather than something they shouldn't. They swear each other to secrecy, even Ryo doesn't know, even Kame, nobody. Their little secret. Their sordid little secret.
It takes a while to stick. Yamapi goes first, because it's his idea, his stupid idea. It's only white powder but it seems a lot more when it's in front of him, where Jin's cutting it with a credit card because he saw it in a movie once and thought it looked cool.
“If we're caught with this,” Yamapi says, shuddering through it, wrinkling his face like a rabbit. “God, we're fucked.”
“We could go into dealing,” Jin laughs, not taking it all seriously, going next, eager and excited. There's a vibration in his fingers as he leans forward and takes the whole line, braver than Yamapi, braver than anyone Yamapi's ever met.
They sit for a while, and it takes a while.
“Are you sure it's right?” Yamapi says, to Jin, wondering whether he managed to get sold sugar instead, it'd be just like Jin to throw away a fucking fortune for a bit of sugar.
“Yes,” Jin hisses. “Just relax. Fucking hell.”
Yamapi only realises that it's working when Jin's worked his trousers undone and he's kneeling before him, and Yamapi can't remember how he got there, can't remember the moment it seemed okay, maybe it's always been okay. Jin is grinning and there's a little white there that isn't his teeth and when he takes Yamapi's cock (when did he get hard?) in his mouth there's a rush that's like nothing he's ever felt in his life.
It's teenage, the coming-after-fifteen-seconds, teenage and painful and embarrassing, and Jin laughs like Ryo, like a stray dog, in his throat – and he only stops when Yamapi climbs into his lap, and makes him.
5. Vienna Teng, Homecoming (Walter's Song)
When they all meet up in New York, everybody tries to encourage him. They stand in a line as if they're greeting a Prime Minister, and Jin walks alongside the line, wondering whether he should shake their hands or hug them or what. Nakamaru clutches his arm and squeezes as he smiles, in a way that's reassuring and everything that he needs. Ueda nods at him, and Junno makes a joke about the Empire State Building being made out of pencils.
Jin's most nervous about Kame when he gets to Kame, but Kame just smiles in a way that reminds him of some feeling years and years ago that he can't place. And when they stand there, no more than a foot apart, Jin wonders why the hell he ever left. And when Kame takes a step forward and wraps his arms around Jin's shoulders, and presses himself close-
“It's alright,” he says, Kame says, in that voice that Jin recognises as a leader's voice, as a voice that rings true. It is truly alright. “Yamapi asked me to say hi. He misses you.”
“Do you miss me,” Jin says, in Kame's ear, because he doesn't want the others to hear it.
“No,” Kame says, lightly, a little laugh somewhere in a syllable. “I'm here now, aren't I?”
6. Chris Cornell, You Know My Name
“Jin comes here, and I want to know what the attraction is.” Kame says, when Ryo asks him what the hell he's doing out after midnight.
“That's sad,” Ryo says. “You should have said, 'I like to have fun sometimes, you know'. I might've kept a bit of respect for you, then.”
Kame drinks, if only to delay having to respond. “Ueda might say something like that,” he says, idly. “I think we both know this isn't my thing.”
“You're so selfless,” Ryo says, rolling his eyes. “What are you trying to do, keep an eye on him?”
“No,” Kame says. “You guys do such a good job of that already.”
“Hey,” Yamapi says. “You know what he is. It isn't our job to keep him faithful.”
Ryo stills a hand on his arm, slides another drink across to him as Kame scowls and looks away.
“I come here,” Kame says, “because I keep hoping he's going to notice the effort I'm making.”
“Turning up at a club isn't making an effort,” Ryo says. “It's jealousy, and he knows it. He knows why you're here.”
“I don't think so,” Kame says, downing the rest of his drink. He wishes he hadn't come. More than anything, he wishes he'd never got into Jin's bed, so long ago. So many fucking lifetimes and so many drinks and so many nights with an ache in his stomach, waiting for Jin to come home.
“You don't sleep with him,” Yamapi says, over Ryo's shoulder. “You're punishing him for god only knows what, and you don't sleep with him. You don't do anything with him. You just keep him with you. And you wonder why the hell he's always running away.”
“Pi,” Ryo says, and it's a warning as much as it is a consolation.
“I let you sleep with him,” Kame says, and it's more tired than it is aggressive.
“Good for you,” Yamapi says, leaning away from the bar and towards the crowd. “You don't have to deal with his guilt afterwards.”
7. Derek and The Dominoes, Layla
Yamapi finds Jin easily, even in the throng of people, the undulation that moves on its own. Jin has a beer bottle in his hands, touching his upper lip and the electricity than runs through glass and wet skin runs through Yamapi, too.
“Kame's here,” he says, as he gets closer, sneaks in between Jin and a drunken girl who isn't dancing, more swaying. Jin lets go of her hips to make room.
“I know,” Jin says, and he's drunk, and angry and there's more glass in his gaze than in the bottle.
“What the hell are you doing, Jin,” Yamapi says, and Jin puts an arm around his back as if that's a response, and Yamapi moves against him despite himself, despite everything. Every time this happens it's rough and it's hard and it's sweat glistening on their backs and Jin upset in the middle of the night when he thinks that Yamapi's asleep. Every damn time, but he can't seem to stop.
“Dancing,” Jin says. “I'm just dancing, Pi.”
“Why can't you dance with him,” Yamapi says, even though it's chasing a conversation they've had a hundred times before.
“He doesn't know the steps,” Jin says, and it's sardonic and bitter, but he laughs anyway, until his voice feels hoarse and the swimming feeling in his stomach subsides.
8. The Eames Era, Could Be Anything
“Sometimes I think you want me to be somebody I'm not,” Kame says. Jin is hungover and staring into a glass of orange juice as if it's the answer to everything that's ever troubled him.
“I don't,” Jin says, eventually. “I want you to be you. Sometimes I just feel like I need something else. I'm sorry, that's fucking awful, I just-”
“I think a better person would leave you,” Kame says.
“I think a better person wouldn't have got involved in the fucking first place,” Jin retorts, his voice raising, the hair on his arms pricking up.
“How can you expect me to be nice to you?” Kame says. “Seriously? You smell like a thousand girls, Jin. A thousand different houses. I don't know where you are all night.”
“I'm with people who actually want me,” Jin says. “Who want to touch me and have me touch them, people who want me to fuck them and people who want to fuck me. People who want me, not to prove a fucking point.”
“I'm sorry that sex is so important to you,” Kame says, icily, stung, hurt. He reaches for Jin's orange juice and pours it down the sink. It was half-empty, anyway.
Jin laughs at that, and when he's stopped, Kame turns to him and folds his arms. He doesn't even need to ask for an elaboration.
“No, it's just,” Jin says, looking bang at him. “Sex isn't anywhere near as important to me as it is to you. You've been punishing me for months, withholding it. I haven't got a fucking clue why but you're sitting there, thinking that it's a fucking weapon against me. Poor, stupid Jin can't go without Kame's special something, right?”
“Jin-”
“Only it fucking backfired, didn't it, because I'll get it elsewhere if you won't give it to me, because I'm not above that. I'm not above cheating on you because you're the kind of person who likes tormenting others with your fucking sexuality.”
“Yeah,” Kame says, watching the orange juice circling the drain. “It's all my fault, isn't it. It's always my fault. You go to Yamapi and you do fucking crack and you fuck him and it's my fault-”
“I'm going to America,” Jin says, and it isn't the way he intended to say it but the fact that Kame knows about the secrets that aren't his makes him say it. His stomach crushes itself as Kame's face falls.
9. Just Jack, Stars In Their Eyes
Kame visits Jin in LA. It's something they have to keep secret, properly secret, but Johnny gives them permission and security and all sorts, stuff Jin's forgotten how to cope with. He takes Kame to Hollywood because he thinks that's the worst thing Kame can imagine doing, and they trip down the stupidly wide streets with the sun on their backs. Kame insists on looking at every star, reading every name, not because he cares but because it's thorough, and that's how Kame is.
Some of them he can't read and Jin teases him by giving him the wrong answers. After the fifteenth assurance that Junno has his own star, Kame hits Jin on the shoulder and they go somewhere to eat, to drink, to dance. Kame's different, without Jin, Jin's noticed. He's worried that when he comes back, Kame will lose all of the goodness, that he'll go all rotten again.
“I watched the PV,” Jin says. “On YouTube.”
“What did you think?” Kame says.
“I'm not sure,” he says. “Maybe I'll know when I get back. I feel kind of far away from the band right now.”
They walk some more, and they talk, and it's sunny and good on the stupidly wide streets. Good not to be on a claustrophobic Japanese train, in a tiny apartment above all the blinking lights and an endlessly black sky. Good to be in a place where the sun rises early, doesn't really go down at all.
They fall down on Jin's bed with the sunlight streaming in and Jin's hands on Kame's waist, where he's heavier and fuller and better, where the sun is in his chocolate hair and his eyes are alive. The kissing is hot chocolate, is beautiful, is addictive, Jin can't stop kissing, can't stop touching, can't stop-
“God, Kame,” he says, between kisses, between heartbeats. “Why can't it always be like this. Why can't it-”
“Stop talking,” Kame says, and kisses him so hard that his breath disappears, that his thought disappears. The sun slants across the bed and when they roll into it, their skin is all illuminated and warm, light shards catching in their hair.
10. New Order, Blue Monday
“Of course it matters,” Kame says. “Do you think that I don't want you, too?”
“I don't know,” Jin says. “Do you?”
“Yes,” Kame says. “I did a lot of thinking while you were away. I grew, Jin, we both did. And you came back, and I found that I still want you. I think you could have been away five years and I still would. Some things don't change.”
“Okay,” Jin says. “That day in LA-”
“I want it to be like that, always,” Kame says. “You meant what you said.”
“Yeah. I want that, too.”
“What do you need me to do?” Kame says. “What does it need to be like, to be like that?”
“I need you to stop...” Jin thinks, finding the right words. “Punishing me. I'm not like you and I never will be. I need you to stop judging me. To stop fucking...you withhold things when I'm not behaving and it makes me feel like a child. I started fucking around and...the crack, the shagging, it was just rebellion. I hate the games.”
“Okay,” Kame says. “I understand. It wasn't all my fault, Jin.”
“No, I know,” Jin says. “I'm sorry that I said it was.”
“Start over,” Kame says. “We can start over.”
“What do you need?”
“I just needed you to stay with me,” Kame says, shrugging. “I needed you to be with me. To validate me. The more you went away, the more I wanted you with me. You made me feel so fucking lonely, Jin. So fucking awful.”
“I know,” Jin says, and it's quietly understanding. “I need there to be sex. I'm sorry if you think that's offensive, but I need that. The way you need your quiet time, I need sex. I need to be touched. I can't take it if you go on for months without touching me.”
“It wasn't months,” Kame says. “Fuck, tell me it wasn't months.”
“It was months,” Jin says.
“Fuck,” Kame says.
“It's okay,” Jin says. “We can start over.”
“Yes.”
“We should have a starting over ritual,” Jin says, nodding, and Kame isn't sure he likes the sound of anything Jin can cook up in that brain of his but he's determined to be accepting, as much as possible. So he nods, and braces himself.
“Yamapi and I invented this game,” Jin says. “Before I went away. We should play it.”
“What's it called?”
“Drinking Game Twister."
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awwww, I LOVE this line~!!!! I can kinda understand how Kame feels...
“You don't know what he's doing with his hips.”
yes, but I'd love to find out...firsthand... *bricked*
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Hahahaha, wouldn't we all? ;)
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yesssss, I want to find out myself, really~!!!! *drools*
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let me hate Jin a little more....
this was beautifully written! <33333
if i had a boyfriend like that ill kill him or cut his f*cking balls off...
nut then ill want it back... so i know what kame is getting at....
“I just needed you to stay with me,” Kame says, shrugging. “I needed you to be with me. To validate me. The more you went away, the more I wanted you with me. You made me feel so fucking lonely, Jin. So fucking awful.”
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Thank you for commenting! ♥ I'm really glad you enjoyed the fic, though I'm sorry it made you lonely at times! :)
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what does TMI mean?
sometimes i wonder how ignorant i am... XDDDDDyour fic is great!!! writing it with a time limit... i could never do that.. =)
Gambatte!
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i wonder why though.... i admit its quite addicting but i would probably break up with a person like that or else id do what Kame does... allow him to sleep with others as long as he comes back to me...
and i just totally contradicted myself! XDDDDDD
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i mean, he is a dirty whore, but kame did put him in that position. and. dasfas. i don't know. i don't know how to feel about this.and i like your jin here, not over-the-top dumb but still..subtly dumb? himself? "A STARTING OVER RITUAL, KAME, DRINKING GAME TWISTER."
do i make sense? i liked this a lot.
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I hate OTT-dumb Jin. He needs just a smidge of dumb, I think. :D
It did indeed make sense! I'm really glad that you enjoyed it! ♥
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Thank you. I enjoyed reading.
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I - well, I don't really know what to say, except that it was fucking beautiful. I loved the dream-like quality you managed to maintain despite the fact that the fic in itself is... so hard-edged and bitter in places, and God it's two in the morning and I'm not making any sense, but the subtlety, the ambiguity of it all, the way neither they nor we nor even you really know who's to blame. And Ryo and Pi. And the scene in LA, which was much too amazing for my comment to do it any justice.
But not as much the orange juice section, which I adore to absolute bits ♥, because Kame taking away and punishing and not realising the significance of what he's doing or how representative it is of his relationship with Jin, and masking any awareness he might have by trying so hard to be reasonable, and Kame cynical and bitter and *_* as far as metaphors go I thought it was perfect.
Thank you so much for this!
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