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Suju Fic: "Clowns Left, Jokers Right" (Kangin/Eeteuk, Heechul/Kangin)
Title: Clowns Left, Jokers Right
Pairing: Kangin/Eeteuk, Heechul/Kangin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: My first Super Junior fic [chews nails]. This is an early birthday present to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
peacock, my BFF and long-suffering beta reader. Happy Birthday. ♥
Warnings: Sex.
.
It takes Kangin four hours to work up the courage to tell Eeteuk, the only person he could tell, about the new dimension to his sexuality. He sees it as an improvement on the five months it took him to admit it to himself.
As expected, Eeteuk is accepting and proud to be Kangin's confidante. He radiates a kind of selfless happiness that Kangin finds irresistible. The kind of selfless happiness that induced Kangin's realisation in the first place.
“Have you ever thought that you might be...?” Kangin asks him, when they're very drunk and very relaxed.
“No,” Eeteuk says. “If I were, I'd definitely be in love with you. That's how I know.”
It doesn't stop Kangin thinking about it. The slant of Eeteuk's tiny little mouth on his own, the way he'd feel so small and horny underneath him. He tries his best not to, but it keeps his brain ticking over.
When they film stupid skits with cards on television shows, Kangin makes the most of it. Over the ace of spades he kisses Eeteuk as he would if only Eeteuk felt the same way.
And once he's gone there, it's impossible to come back again.
***
“Well,” their manager says. “This summer, you're going to be releasing individual member DVDs.” He pauses for effect. “Each one will be thirty minutes long and will reflect your personality.”
Heechul's face is gleeful.
“Are the individual sales going to be tracked?” he asks. “So we know whose DVD is the most popular?”
There's a long pause and various people exchange glances. The manager seems to be regretting the decision made by his boss. Eeteuk is worrying his lower lip and Kangin looks like he wants to throw something across the table.
“It's an idea,” their manager says, and Hankyung rests his head down on the table.
***
“I've been assigned a cooking skit,” Donghae groans. Everybody looks startled.
“Oh God,” Sungmin says. “Have we all been assigned things we're crap at? Is that the idea?”
“I'm going to choose my own stuff,” Kangin insists. “I'm going to play video games. And play football. And maybe do some sort of James Bond skit-”
“Hah,” Heechul says, and Siwon wraps an arm around him, covering his mouth.
“I don't know what I'm going to do,” Eeteuk says, and Kangin looks at him all sideways and a bit gooey, and Heechul rolls his eyes.
“We should do a bit together,” Kangin says.
“That's cheating,” Heechul says, shoving Siwon's hand away. “You can't use Eeteuk to up your sales.”
Kangin glares at him. “What are you going to do, then?”
Heechul sniffs. “I'm going to be an Emperor,” he says. “And have lots of servants.”
“Your DVD is going to suck,” Kangin says. “It's about conveying your personality to the fans. Entertaining them. Not indulging your own ego-”
“Excuse me,” Heechul says. “James Bond?”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “It's perfect for me: I'm suave and strong and handsome. I would protect any girl that needed protecting. So there.”
“Then I'm the perfect Emperor,” Heechul retorts. “I was born to be an Emperor.”
“For fuck's sake-” Kangin says.
“I'm going to go back to China to film mine,” Hankyung says.
“Please let me come with you,” Siwon says, in perfect Mandarin.
***
Eeteuk starts going out during the evenings. It used to be Kangin's time with him, so he notices it. He pretends not to be noticing it, to stop himself hanging around Eeteuk's room when he gets dressed. He doesn't like to do it, partly because it looks obsessive and partly because he has trouble lifting his eyes away from the clean line of Eeteuk's hipbones.
Those who are still up wait for him to come home. Eeteuk isn't naturally secretive and his behaviour encourages everybody to test their resistance to sleepiness. Eeteuk sometimes returns in the early morning to find them all in a snoring heap on the sofa.
Sometimes, he returns home early on, sneaks in the door before anybody can catch him.
Sometimes, he doesn't succeed.
***
“Holy crap,” Hankyung says, and everybody jumps because Hankyung doesn't swear in Korean. He's leaning out of the upstairs window. Siwon tentatively wanders over, peering over his shoulder.
“Oh,” he says. The 'oh' is somehow heavier than Hankyung's curse. It brings everybody over. They look down into the street below at Eeteuk and a girl in the shadows. They're far too close together not be kissing.
Heechul whirls around. “Kangin, you must have known about it. Who's that?”
Kangin just shrugs. “I didn't know,” he says. “He hasn't mentioned anything.”
“Probably early days,” Siwon says, trying to be sympathetic.
“Really,” Heechul says, squeezing in beside Hankyung. “The way he's kissing her, I don't think-”
“I'm going to bed,” Kangin says.
***
The next day, Eeteuk tells everybody that he has a girlfriend. It's surprising because it's difficult for all of them to find the right person to date. When one of them does the others seem to live off the details in a disturbing, voyeuristic way for months.
It's a shame then that Kangin really doesn't want to know.
“He went to school with her,” Sungmin tells him, over the football one evening. “That's nice, isn't it?”
“Yeah,” Kangin tries. “It's nice.”
“She's cute,” Heechul says, when he and Kangin go out for a beer or six. “It's terrible sharing a room with him, though. Do you think he'll bring her in while I'm asleep and-”
“No,” Kangin says, decisively. “Teukie's not like that.”
“He's stopped looking at porn,” Heechul says. “It's like he's lost a leg or something.”
Kangin is supposed to be the go-to person for the latest on Eeteuk's life. Being somebody's best friend is being their confidante, but the mere thought of Eeteuk with a girl makes Kangin want to crunch balls of paper between his fists. It's what he used to do when he was younger and angry and he's glad that Eeteuk hasn't asked him for advice. He doesn't want Eeteuk to know.
Still. It hurts that Eeteuk isn't sharing.
“I don't think they've done it yet,” Heechul adds. “He's really nervous around her. They're blatantly not-”
“Fuck!” Kangin retorts. “Enough, already. Anyone'd think you were obsessed.”
“Hah,” Heechul says. “Funny you should say that.”
***
She's nervous. Sitting on one of their kitchen bar stools, she tucks and untucks her little feet. Winds her hair around her earlobe, then out again. Her name is Yeun-ja, and she's tiny. Tiny and gorgeous with a pink mouth that makes Kangin hungry.
It's as though she's been briefed in advance: she makes a special effort to win Kangin's favour. Kangin tries his best not to hate her on principle. It's not even that difficult: she's sweet, appropriate, very Eeteuk.
“Jungsoo says that you work the hardest out of everybody,” she says, and the way she says Eeteuk's name reverberates in Kangin's skull so that he doesn't initially hear the question.
“Er,” he says. “Sorry, what?”
She repeats herself without a shadow of irritation, just a tiny lick of her lips.
“Oh,” he says. “Well, I like to keep busy, you know. We only get one shot at this, might as well make the most of it. I like to work.”
“At school,” she says. “I didn't really see much of Jungsoo. He was always off practicing his singing or his dancing. It's funny that we just bumped into each other again...”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “It's pretty funny. Meant to be, huh.”
She smiles, then, delicately – as if she's already calculated the appropriate amount of emotion for the situation. “Well, we'll see how it goes. He's so nice. I like him a lot.”
“Watch out,” Kangin says. “He seems that way until you get to know him.”
“Oi,” Eeteuk says, coming into the kitchen. He's been at the radio station and the show ran late. He's come in from the wintry weather outside and his body radiates cold. Kangin wants to touch him as he goes past, the way they always have done. Instead, Eeteuk goes over to Yeun-ja and touches her hand. She lets his fingers stroke hers with just the right amount of appreciation.
***
“Maybe you should do a romantic scene with her for your DVD,” Heechul says, later on. They're all lying around on bean bags, watching some awful film of Siwon's. Siwon is the only one paying attention: he even misses the words 'romantic' and 'scene'.
“Hah,” Kangin says. “Good idea, idiot. The fans would want to poison her.”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk says, nodding. “I don't think she has enough life insurance for that.”
“Okay,” Heechul says. There's a pause. “They'd probably like it if you did a romantic scene with Kangin, though, right?”
“Who's doing a romantic scene with Kangin?” Siwon says, suddenly lifting his head.
“Eeteuk,” Heechul says, lazily.
“He is not,” Kangin says. “Shut up.”
“Poor fans,” Heechul says. “I'm going to do one with Hankyung, after all.”
“What?” Hankyung says.
“Nothing,” Heechul says.
***
Regarding the subject of sex there are a few unwritten rules in the house (this is why television crews rarely burst into the house without prior notification). The first is that unless specified, all of their bedrooms are open to all members. There are no locks on their doors. There is trust and understanding of boundaries.
Unless specified. Specified means a number of things. When Heechul has somebody over, he will spell out a specific word on the fridge with alphabet letters. The word changes from month to month but all of the members know that if the word 'crabapple' or 'sandcastle' or 'hoof' appears on the fridge, then Heechul's room is off-limits until the word disappears again.
The only problem with this is that sometimes Kangin uses the alphabet letters to spell out rude words, and people avoid Heechul for days on end in the mistaken belief that he has one of his friends over.
Kangin's method of keeping the others out was more simple: when he lived there, he hung a sock over his door handle. Sometimes Heechul removed it just to see what would happen. Kangin's glad that he doesn't live there anymore.
These policies often lead to strange bed-sharing, because of their shared rooms. Eeteuk regularly finds himself turfed out and at Kangin's flat, having drawn the short straw in sharing with Heechul. This month, however, it's Heechul's turn to be displaced. Eeteuk shows off his personal method of communication: a large sign on his door that says, 'Please do not disturb.'
“Fuck,” Heechul says, looking at it.
'I'm a heavy sleeper!' he writes underneath, then heads out to his radio show. When he returns, the word 'No!' is written in capitals and heavily underlined, so he troops off to the kitchen with his special sad face on.
“Hah,” Kangin says. “Serves you right. He's always having to come over to mine. It's about time the shoe was on the other foot.”
“You don't even live here!” Heechul splutters. “Let me have your spare room.”
“No,” Kangin says. “Once you move in, you'll never leave again. That's the problem. You'll put up decorations and take it over.”
Heechul sneers at Kangin. “I think I'm going to walk into my room right as Eeteuk's about to do it. Is that what you want? Don't you love him at all?”
Kangin's face goes a funny colour.
“You can sleep in with me,” Donghae says, shrugging as he peers into his pot on the stove. Hankyung has gone home to visit his parents and to film his DVD, so Donghae has been given the position of cook in order to practice for his own.
“You're lovely,” Heechul says, wandering over to reward his loveliness with a compliment. Staring into the pot, he finds himself lost for words.
“I'm sure it'll taste better than it looks,” he says.
“Thank you,” Donghae says, non-plussed.
***
There's an awkward moment between the table and the fridge. Kangin is contemplating chocolate milk and when he turns, Yeun-ja is there. She's clothed, thank God, but still. There's a film of change on her and Kangin doesn't know how to respond.
“Morning,” she says, tucking a wispy hair around her ear. She looks untouched. As if she went to sleep perfect. Kangin feels mean for hoping that they've decided to wait.
“Morning,” he says.
“I prefer strawberry,” she says, nodding towards his hands as she grabs herself a coffee.
“Oh,” he says. “Yeah, yeah. Teukie does, too.”
“Teukie?” she says. “Oh, yes, right. Sorry.”
“Yeah,” he says, and there's an awkward silence.
“Well,” he says, trying to smile. “Help yourself to anything.”
“Thank you,” she says, and her smile is genuine. She turns to the counter and tilts her head at the coffee-maker. Her ponytail swings gently and exposes her neckline. On the curve of her shoulder, where the line of her skin trips up her neck, there's a mark. It's dark pink. Kangin closes his eyes, and tries his best not to fill in the blanks.
***
Kangin has to play football for part of his DVD, which is fine. He's a good player. He's relieved: Heechul has to go rock-climbing, and everybody knows that he hates heights. Heechul comes to watch the filming, because he's got nothing better to do. Kangin's just grateful that he hasn't brought his cat along.
“We just want you to run around for a bit,” the director says. “And then score a goal.”
That sounds about right, Kangin thinks. He nods. “Got it,” he says. “No problem.”
He runs about for a bit, puts in a bit of fancy footwork, scores a goal worthy of a world cup final; he can almost hear the cheers of the-
'Cut!'
“Okay,” the director says. “That was good, but just tone it down, okay? It's better if you're not too good. We don't want the fans thinking you want to leave the band and become a football player.”
Kangin blinks. “I don't want to be-”
“Even so,” the director says, not losing an inch of his smile. “It suits you more to be less polished. Let's take a break, everyone.”
Kangin jogs over to Heechul, who has his music on and a book open. Kangin is often surprised when he sees Heechul multi-tasking. Kangin can't think and watch TV at once.
“What's up?” Heechul says.
“He wants me to be less polished,” Kangin says, wincing, waiting for the crowing laughter he knows is inevitable.
“Huh,” Heechul says, looking around Kangin at the director. “He's probably just jealous. Just keep doing what you're doing. It'll get dark soon.”
“They'll bring me back tomorrow,” Kangin says.
“No, they won't,” Heechul says. “I've got to go rock climbing this week. They've set aside four days for it. There's no time. Kangin, it's your DVD. Do what you want.”
“Four days?” Kangin says. “I get one afternoon and you get four days?”
Heechul shrugs and goes back to his book. “I don't really like heights,” he says, mildly.
“You are such a princess-”
Heechul looks up, then, and flashes him a grin. “I know,” he says. “Comes in handy.”
“Come and play with me,” Kangin says. “After we finish.”
Heechul looks at the pitch dubiously. “But there's-”
“If you're scared of a little mud,” Kangin says.
“Fuck you,” Heechul says. “Fine. Fine, whatever. If you can do it in less than four thousand takes, we'll play.”
***
Kangin completes his filming in four takes, and Heechul slouches onto the pitch.
“I'm wearing Converse,” he moans. “Look, ruined.”
Kangin jogs in circles around him, cackling. The sun is beginning to set and there's nobody left but them: silence, all around them. The sky is a great wash of sunny blue and the trees are flowering. It's beautiful. Kangin breathes in the crisp air and feels better than he has in ages.
“Come on,” he says, kicking Heechul the ball. “I'll give you first touch.”
For all his whining, Heechul has long legs and a certain squirminess that lends itself well to football. He's able to outrun Kangin and elbow him out the way. The last time he does it, with a score of 3-0 weighing on Kangin's shoulders, Kangin pulls him right down onto the ground. They slide in the mud, struggling together, and Heechul starts hitting Kangin's shoulders the moment they're down.
“This isn't football!” he's yelling.
“Says you,” Kangin snorts. “You were shoving me out the way pretty well back there. Just giving you a little payback.”
“Take your payback,” Heechul pants, trying to stand up in the slime. “And shove it up your-”
And he slips, slides down onto Kangin, who howls his head off, before he realises that once Heechul's on top of him, there's no way he's going to move.
“Heechul,” he says. “I'm not a fucking boat. Move!”
“No,” Heechul says. “I'm clean up here. You have to slide us both out. Quickly: my shoes are leaking.”
“Heechul.”
“No,” Heechul says. He's smirking, fuck him. Fuck him. Kangin leans over and topples him off and for a while, they just wriggle in the mud until they're filthy and exhausted.
“Oh, God,” Heechul says, eventually. “How the fuck are we going to get home?”
***
Two hours later, nobody has moved all that far. The sky is burnt blue and Kangin's arms are goosepimply. The warmth of exercise has left him to the mercy of the breeze.
“Are you dry?” he says to Heechul. They're lying on a spot of clean grass. The mud on his trousers has hardened. He doesn't want to move.
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “But I can't move my legs. I have mud in my hair.”
“Shit,” Kangin says. Nobody moves. “Maybe I should call somebody. They could hose us down.”
“I think we're going to die here,” Heechul says, miserably.
“Don't be stupid,” Kangin scoffs, hauling himself up with unpleasant cricks. There's mud down his t-shirt, in his pockets, all over his face. He doesn't even know how most of it got there. Heechul is even worse off: there's mud in his hair, across his cheeks. His shirt is caked in it. He's lost a shoe.
“Come on,” he says, nudging Heechul with his foot. “It's nearly dark.”
“Leave me,” Heechul says. “You can save yourself. Go on without me. I'll just be a burden.”
“Okay,” Kangin says, cheerfully, striding off into the distance until he hears Heechul whining after him. When he returns, Heechul looks tired and cold. Despite himself, Kangin feels bad. Heechul's rarely warm at the best of times.
“For fuck's sake,” he says, bending down and hauling Heechul up. Heechul flops against him, pleased, and so Kangin yanks him upwards and over his shoulder.
“That is not-” Heechul splutters. “Dignified-”
“I gave you enough chances,” Kangin says, determinedly striding off towards the road and his car. “You didn't move. Desperate times. I'm doing you a favour, after all – I could leave you here. You're going to get mud all over my car.”
“Can't you find a better way to-”
“No,” Kangin says. “Stop whining. And stop kicking me, you asshole.”
***
When they get home, Eeteuk and Eunhyuk are in the kitchen, desperately adding sauces and seasonings to the food cooking on the stove. They turn to see Kangin clomping into the house with Heechul over his shoulder, both of them red-faced and angry. Their jaws drop.
“You had to do mud-wrestling for your DVD?” Eunhyuk manages, eventually. “Seriously?”
“No!” Kangin says, dropping Heechul onto the floor. “I had to play football. He just got carried away.”
“Fuck off,” Heechul says. “You asked me to.”
“What in the name of-” Sungmin starts, coming in from the living room. “God, is that smell the food or them?”
Eeteuk gives him a sidelong glance and a smile, before Eunhyuk nudges his shoulder. “Leave Donghae alone, he's trying,” he says. “Anyway, you both have to go shower, you're getting mud everywhere. You're both insane.”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk nods. “Both of you. The floor's filthy.”
“I'm not showering with him,” Heechul says.
“Yes, you are,” Sungmin says, dragging him off into the bathroom. “You fucking stink.”
“Are you going to-” Heechul says. “Hang on-”
Sungmin is tugging off Heechul's clothes. Kangin leans against the door and watches, cackling. He stops when Sungmin turns to him.
***
“I don't know why people think he's cute,” Kangin says. “He's satanic.”
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “Fuck, this shower is too small. Move over.”
“It's not my fault,” Kangin says, as their shoulders jostle together. “It's only meant for one person.”
“No, it's just you,” Heechul says. “Eeteuk and I can both fit in here fine.”
Kangin decides to let that one go.
“Pass the shampoo,” Heechul says. When Kangin hands it over, Heechul turns and massages it into his hair. From the back, he looks like Eeteuk, Kangin realises. The height, the slim build. They both have hips that could cut. When Heechul rubs his scalp, Kangin thinks about pushing him up against the tile, feeling that slim little body-
“What are you doing?” Heechul scoffs. “Are you looking? You pervert!”
“I'm not!” Kangin yells, and even Heechul jumps backwards. He looks ludicrous with his wide eyes and his soapy head and Kangin grabs the back of his skull, yanks him under the shower stream.
“Here,” he says. “You'll get soap in your eyes.”
He massages the shampoo out gently, and Heechul closes his eyes. Slowly, the mud releases its grip and the hot water washes it from him. The shower is all muddy beneath their feet but Kangin doesn't care, because he's drawn to the look of bliss on his face, the one that's not Eeteuk at all.
When Heechul opens his eyes, Kangin knows that he's too close. That everything he's thinking about must be written all over his face.
Heechul shakes his hair loose and strides past Kangin, opens the door, grabs a towel from the rail. There's a hint of a slam when he closes the door. Kangin sighs and leans his forehead against the tile.
“Shit,” he says.
***
When he follows Heechul out, everybody is in the living room. There's plates of food all around and none of them are empty. Donghae sits miserably in the middle of the floor and Kibum rubs his shoulder in consolation.
They're watching The Lion King. Kangin knows that he should be drawn to the way Yeun-ja is curled up beside Eeteuk, but his eyes are on Heechul. Heechul sits beside Donghae, his knees drawn up to his chest. His eyes are on the screen, completely transfixed.
“Is this the bit where-” Donghae says.
“Ssh,” Heechul says. “Just keep watching.”
Kangin doesn't know whether to go or stay. The big lion's about to die. That's always the moment where Heechul's face goes all funny. Kangin wishes that his life were easy.
***
It's past 10pm when Kangin's doorbell goes. Having bowed out of the DVD watching, he's spent the evening by himself: cooking, porn, a bit of alcohol. He's relished in the quiet, the chance to shove both Eeteuk and Heechul and their stupid narrow hips out of his head. When the doorbell goes, he's not thrilled to see Heechul outside his door.
“I thought you weren't speaking to me,” he says, when he opens it.
“What?” Heechul says. “Don't be stupid. Let me in.”
Kangin lets him in.
“I'm speaking to you,” Heechul says. “Just, what the hell was all that about, in the shower? What's going on with you? I know that it's an Eeteuk thing, it's always an Eeteuk thing, but do you have to take it out on me? And can I stay here tonight, by the way? Eeteuk's got Yeun-ja staying again. And Donghae's pissed because I called his cooking crap.”
Kangin blinks. “Look,” he says. “Right, fine, yeah, you can stay. The rest I'm just not going into. Can you accept that? I don't want to talk about it.”
“Fine,” Heechul says, awkwardly. “But I want you to know that I'm pissed about it.”
“Alright,” Kangin says. “Have you got clothes with you? I'm not lending you mine.”
Heechul brandishes a rather large rucksack and a cat basket. Inside, Heebum mews pitifully.
“Fucking hell,” Kangin says. “You're not staying more than one night.”
***
Heechul's alarm goes off at six; he has his filming to get to. Kangin isn't a heavy sleeper and while Heechul trundles about, Kangin has to work to ignore it. Forty-five minutes later, he's just drifting off when Heebum jumps onto his bed and nuzzles into his face.
“I don't like you,” Kangin says, hiding his head under the pillow.
Heebum purrs anyway.
***
Some time later, he goes down to watch Heechul shooting. Eeteuk has gone to Yeun-ja's house to meet her parents and won't be back for a day or two, otherwise Kangin thinks he'd have gone and played pool with him. He's getting used to sharing Eeteuk, and it hurts.
When he arrives at the shoot, Heechul is being accosted by the director. Depressingly, it's the same one that directed Kangin's shoot, and Kangin winces when they make eye-contact.
“Aha,” the director says. “Kangin. Are you any good at pep-talks?”
“No,” Heechul says, sullenly, but Kangin comes over nonetheless.
“Alright,” he says. “Not bad. Why?”
“I'm having trouble with the rock being up there,” Heechul says. “And not down here.”
“Right,” Kangin says, stifling a laugh.
“We've told him that it's perfectly safe,” the director says.
“That's what you say about everything,” Heechul says. “That's what they always say, and then we're drunk or upside down or in a swimming pool with plastic bags over our heads.”
“Okay,” Kangin says. “Can you give us a second?”
The director nods once and declares it time for a break. Everybody scuttles, clearly in need of some coffee. Kangin looks at Heechul, and all the desire to laugh just disappears. Despite the bravado and the thick set of his chin, Heechul looks scared to death.
“You'll be fine,” Kangin says. “That's what the harness is for.”
“I don't like the idea of trusting in a bit of rope,” Heechul says. “It doesn't seem very sturdy.”
Kangin turns him around and around, tugging here and there at the harness. He tries to ignore the fact that it's tight around Heechul's hips and thighs, concentrating on being reassuring rather than perverted.
“See, it's secure,” he says. “Perfectly sturdy. You're like a feather, anyway. Nothing's going to break.”
“Do you think I should look down? They keep telling me not to, but I can't stop.”
“Tell you what,” Kangin says. “Come on.”
He places his hand on the wall and leads Heechul to it.
“Do it now,” he says. “It'll be easier. It's just you and me.”
Heechul puts an unsteady foot into the first holder, and lifts himself off the ground. “I don't fucking like this,” he says. “I could have played football.”
“Look how well that turned out,” Kangin says. “Keep going.”
“I'm a better player than you are,” Heechul scoffs. “You think you're the next-”
“Shut up,” Kangin says. “At least I don't think I'm an Emperor.”
“I don't think,” Heechul says, climbing up and up and up. “I am.”
“You missed off the word 'deluded',” Kangin says.
“I'm deluded?” Heechul says. “Least I'm not mooning after Teukie, for fuck's sake-”
There's a long silence, and Kangin's jaw drops open. Heechul looks down and visibly freaks out.
“Kangin,” he's saying, when Kangin's brain comes back into focus. “I can't do this. I'm coming down. I'm fucking-”
“No,” Kangin says, eventually. “You're fucking not. Because if you do, I will strangle you, you presumptuous little shit. You're safer up there.”
“Oh,” Heechul says. “Fair enough.”
***
The takes Heechul gives are incredible and Kangin hates himself for encouraging him – so typical that even fearful, Heechul gives it his all. At one point he stops climbing and leans all the way back and upside down, hanging on the rope until his whole body is a curl in the air. It's terrific and beautiful and Kangin stomps outside for some fresh air.
He digs his 'phone out of his pocket and calls Eeteuk. It takes thirty seconds for him to answer and when he does, he's out of breath.
“Oh,” Kangin says. “Oh, shit, sorry, I'll, er, never mind. Never mind. Go back to-”
“Kangin,” Eeteuk says, and he's laughing. “It's fine. I'm not- we're not. I left my 'phone in the house, I had to run to get it. That's all.”
“Oh,” Kangin says, again. He wonders whether he wanted Eeteuk to be out of breath. Whether he wanted to think about him, straddling Kangin, his lips parted and his face stricken and Kangin's name in his throat. “How's it going?”
“Fine,” Eeteuk says. There's a pause as he sits down. He's outside again, Kangin thinks, he can hear the sound of birds. “Yeun-ja's parents are very nice.”
“They know what you do and everything?”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk says. “It's kind of hard to explain it properly, but they understand. She's...done a lot to help them understand.”
Kangin doesn't know what to say to that.
“They have a beautiful house,” Eeteuk goes on. “I'm in the garden. It's so nice.”
“I can hear the birds,” Kangin says.
“I miss you,” Eeteuk says, with a laugh. “You'd chase all the birds, wouldn't you?”
“Probably,” Kangin says, a smile spreading over his face. “I miss you, too. Are you happy?”
There's a moment of silence where Kangin can't breathe, and then Eeteuk says, 'yes', and the 'yes' is so joyful, so full of life and light and air that Kangin smiles, too. Somehow, it's right. Even though it aches, it's right.
“Good,” he says. “I'm happy, too.”
***
“I didn't think you'd still be here,” Heechul says. Kangin is sitting in the car park, musing. Heechul's come out the back, all tousled and star-of-the-moment, annoying. Kangin glowers at him.
“Yeah, well,” he says. “I thought I'd give you a hand getting your head through the door, Spider-man.”
“Heh,” Heechul says, hopping up onto the picnic bench. He has sandwiches and he offers Kangin one. “Been talking to Teukie?” he says, nodding at the 'phone on the table.
“Yeah,” Kangin says, munching. “Talking. Not mooning.”
“I'm sorry,” Heechul says. “That was shitty of me. I was scared, I took it too far.”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “It's alright, though. I kind of was. It's over now, I think.”
“It is?” Heechul says. “I mean, fuck. Really?”
“I wasn't that bad,” Kangin spits. “Fucking hell. It's just, you know. Fuck, I don't know how to say it. You know what I mean.”
“Sometimes you have to let go,” Heechul says. “Sometimes these things are not to be.”
Kangin looks at him. “Where did that come from?”
“Saw it on an advert this morning,” Heechul says. “Point is, sometimes it's hard to let go of somebody because you're accepting that they've rejected you. It's not just about your care for them, but your care for yourself. Nobody likes being rejected..”
Kangin opens and closes his mouth, but can't find words that seem appropriate.
“But once you can let go and accept that it's not a rejection, just something that can't happen, just something that isn't right – it gets easier. It's not really about you. It's just about him: he loves you, just not that way. Shit happens. You have to pull your head out.”
“You've been through it,” Kangin says.
“'Course not,” Heechul says. “Who the hell would ever reject me?”
Kangin shoves at him, with his shoulder, and Heechul wobbles on the edge of the bench before Kangin steadies him. There's a brush of eye contact, so fine and so soft that Kangin almost mistakes it for a breeze. And then Heechul hops off and walks towards Kangin's car, and Kangin realises that the day is clear. That his head, for once, is clear.
***
When they go back to Kangin's flat, Heechul showers (hanging upside down makes you sweaty – who'd have thought it?, he says) and Kangin sits and tries to watch television. His fists clench as he tries to concentrate: the news is full of stories, but all he can think about is Heechul running his hands over himself. The idea of Heechul, small and dark and hypnotically beautiful under the water. Those dark eyes clouding over with lust as he is-
Kangin smacks his hand down on his thigh and knocks a perfectly good can of beer off the arm of his chair. Sighing, he goes to find a cloth.
No matter how hard he searches, he can't find a cloth anywhere. He searches the kitchen, the laundry basket, his bedroom. Eventually, he thinks to go into the spare room. There are his cloths: Heebum has made a little cosy nest out of them. There's something wrong with that cat, Kangin thinks.
“Right,” he says. “You like me, right? I just need one cloth.”
He puts his hand out and gingerly pulls at one of the looser cloths. Without warning, Heebum's paw comes down upon his hand, claws extended. There's a hint of a hiss as Kangin yells, as if the noise has further inconvenienced the cat.
“Fine, fine, fuck you,” he says, sucking on his fingers as he storms back into the living room. The beer has started a romantic union with the carpet, and Kangin puts his head in his hands.
“Heechul!” he yells through the door. “Either your cat goes or you go!”
“What?” Heechul yells, above the steam. “Just come in, for fuck's sake, I can't hear you!”
Kangin pushes the door open and does not, decisively does not, look at the line of Heechul's hip as he turns to face him. Heechul is wet and his eyes are huge and he licks his lips while he's waiting for Kangin to speak. And Kangin feels, suddenly, at the mercy of a force more powerful than he is.
“Your cat stole my cloths,” he says, feebly. “And he scratched me.”
Heechul laughs, and pulls the curtain back across. “He's showing affection.”
Crossly, Kangin feels the urge to fling something at Heechul's head: so confusing and irritating and gorgeous and fuckable, he snaps, “Yeah, well, I know where he learnt that from.”
Heechul turns his head, but Kangin's already slammed the door.
***
“Fuck you,” Heechul says. He's standing outside the bathroom door, naked. There's water on the carpet, to add salt to the wound.
“What?” Kangin says. “You're taking over my flat! You're not even supposed to be here! There's beer all over my carpet and your stupid cat has stolen all my cloths and it's going to fucking stain, and now you're getting water everywhere-”
“Oh, fucking hell, don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?” Heechul yells back. “It's just water! I'll clean up the beer – it just needs carpet cleaner, it's not the fucking end of the world! And if you hate having me here so much, I'll just leave!”
“Good,” Kangin says, on a roll now, unsure whether he means it or not or whether he even cares. “Good, you do that. At least my flat will be tidy!”
“God,” Heechul says. “You've turned into an old man, Kangin. Have you listened to yourself?”
“It's not my fault you're a kid,” Kangin says. “That you're fucking scared of growing up. It's not my fault you don't want to live like an adult-”
“You're an adult?” Heechul spits, obviously smarting. “You can't accept your own fucking feelings! You just bury your head in the sand and go off in a sulk. You're the most immature person I've ever met!”
“Oh, yeah,” Kangin says. “Because whining is really mature. Manipulation is so adult! I'll take a few tips out of your book, shall I, and just blackmail people into doing what I want because they're fed up of the fits I throw if I don't get my own way!”
“Fuck you,” Heechul hisses. “Fuck you and your stupid flat and your stupid carpet-”
“Oh, just leave, just go,” Kangin says. “I can't be fucked with your tantrums anymore, I really can't.”
“Fine,” Heechul says. “I'll get some clothes on and leave. Thanks for the fucking hospitality.”
This time, he slams the door. Kangin lets the sound echo out, and closes his eyes.
***
It's midnight and everything is very quiet. Kangin assumes that Heechul is packing. There's a million things he wants to say, but he doesn't know how to say any of it. Heechul is right: he can't own his feelings. Maybe he can change that. He rises from the bed and balls his hands into fists, willing courage out of his stomach or his guts or wherever it is you get courage fr-
He looks up, and Heechul is standing at the entrance to Kangin's room. The light is on behind him and it casts him in a low, warm glow. He's wearing a long, black robe. His hair isn't yet dry, but it sticks in little curls to the contours of his neck.
“Hi,” he says. “I want to punch your stupid, ugly face for everything you said to me, you twat. But not right now. Can I sleep in here tonight?”
***
It doesn't happen naturally. Heechul sits down on the bed and looks at Kangin, and Kangin looks back with fear in his stomach.
“Well,” Heechul says. “If you don't want to do this-”
“I do want to do this,” Kangin says. “I do. Just, fuck, stop looking at me like that. You're fucking unnatural.”
“Thank you,” Heechul says. “You do know how to make a person feel good.”
“Oh, shut up, princess,” Kangin says. “You're the one who's so fucking contrary-”
“I'm not contrary,” Heechul says. “So the Eeteuk thing is over?”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “I'm accepting. It's never going to happen. And besides,” he adds, with an impish grin. “There are other things on my mind right now.”
“Oh,” Heechul says, smirking. “Like what?”
Kangin reaches out and slides a hand underneath Heechul's robe, over his thigh. Heechul's eyelids fall closed and his head tips back as Kangin touches him.
“Fuck,” he hisses, reaching forward and shoving Kangin onto his back. “Fuck, Kangin-”
“Bedside table,” Kangin breathes. “Top drawer.”
“Of course,” Heechul says.
***
It's awkward, but first times so often are, Kangin keeps telling himself. Heechul is unearthly, almost: his body is slender and it goes on forever. His legs are endless around Kangin's back. His chest rises and falls with the pain and the pleasure of it. His head tilts back and his neck is long, too, studded with breathing.
He doesn't look at Kangin at all. When Kangin fucks him, he turns his head to the side. His hands are beside his head, clutching the pillow. He mutters obscenities in the dark. But he never once looks Kangin's way, and Kangin isn't used to that sort of sex. He's not sure how to process it.
“Harder,” Heechul says, and it's not a request. Against his stomach, Kangin can feel Heechul's hand moving. He goes to take over but Heechul doesn't move his fist, so Kangin drops his.
He fucks harder. Harder and harder and harder. And Heechul's body spills out in front of him like water, and the sight of it should be enough, but it isn't, somehow.
It takes Heechul an age to come. Kangin, even longer. Kangin never takes long. He doesn't know how to process that, either.
Afterwards, Heechul goes for a bath and Kangin lies staring at the ceiling. His body tingles but his head feels empty.
***
Heechul's body is warm and small. Kangin is awake for two hours just getting used to that. The slide of his robe as Kangin curls up behind him, the way he fits, just so. For the first time, Kangin isn't thinking of Eeteuk at all.
When Heebum comes in, Kangin keeps still and quiet. The little cat jumps onto the bed and curls himself into Heechul's stomach. Kangin drops an arm over, rubs the flat of his head. There's a long pause, and then hard, loud purring.
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “I accept your apology.”
***
Eeteuk sends Kangin mail the next day, something about accompanying him to shooting. The director wants to film them together, something about them being a popular pair. Kangin doesn't think, he just agrees, and he leaves Heechul a note over breakfast.
When he arrives at the location, there's a large, beat-up car.
“We're supposed to go driving,” Eeteuk says, all smiles. He's wearing a t-shirt with a face on it. It's disturbing, because his expression is similarly cartoonish.
“Okay,” Kangin says, grinning back, because it reminds him of all the stupid things that Eeteuk and he used to do together.
They get into the car, which has cameras on both the doors and the front window. There's a squabble over seats, because Eeteuk's driving is appalling but it's his DVD. Kangin eventually relents, because it's Eeteuk, and they drive off. Kangin holds the map that the crew have given them to follow, and gives unsteady directions.
“Oh,” Kangin says, ten minutes in. “I've given you the wrong, um. I've made you take a left we weren't supposed to take.”
“Shit,” Eeteuk says, then covers his mouth and laughs into the camera. “Um, where? Where are we now?”
“I'm not sure,” Kangin says, turning the map over and over. “This isn't where we should be, I know that. What road are we on?”
“I don't know!” Eeteuk says, laughing. “You're the map-reader!”
“Oh, God,” Kangin says. “Pull in. I'll go and ask somebody.”
Eeteuk pulls over until the car bumps the pavement, and Kangin jumps out with his map. He heads into the nearest convenience store. In the meantime, Eeteuk turns the radio on, hums along. His 'phone rings, but he ignores it.
Kangin comes out of the store doing his victorious dance, and Eeteuk laughs when he sees him, so ridiculous. He claps when Kangin thrusts the map at him, praising the gloriousness that is old ladies in supermarkets.
Kangin thumbs the new path on the map, and shouts directions with glee as Eeteuk pulls them out of the street.
Ten minutes later, they're lost again.
***
They end up parked by a public park, Eeteuk laughing so much that he can't speak. Whether it's Kangin's directions or the old woman's route that's faulty, neither of them can be sure. Kangin turns off the cameras and they sit and wait for Eeteuk to catch his breath.
“Well, we're fucked,” Kangin says. “They'll have to come and pick us up. It'll make great footage.”
“Oh, God,” Eeteuk says. “What if they leave us here? Lost forever?”
“Don't be stupid,” Kangin says. “God, you're as bad as Heechul.”
“Why?” Eeteuk says. “What's Heechul done?”
Kangin snorts, wipes his palms on his jeans. “Nothing. He's just melodramatic.”
“Sorry that he's taken over your flat. I really should...find a better arrangement, but Yeun-ja lives with her parents, and it doesn't seem right to-”
“No, it's cool,” Kangin says, awkwardly. “I understand.”
“Yeah.” Eeteuk rests back in his seat. As if cued, his 'phone goes off, and he ignores it.
“Aren't you going to get that?” Kangin says.
“No,” Eeteuk says. “It's Yeun-ja. We've had a bit of a row.”
***
When he returns to the flat, Heechul is on the 'phone with Siwon. Siwon is in China with Hankyung. They've been driving all over the place, too.
“Hey,” Kangin says. “Eeteuk's here. We just drove all over the city to get back.”
Heechul looks from one to the other, and then hands the 'phone to Kangin. “There,” he says. “It's Siwon. Commiserate over failed navigation.”
Eeteuk sits down on the floor and starts twirling a bit of string around for Heebum. Heechul sits beside him and watches.
“So,” he says. “Kangin used you to up his sales after all.”
“Shut up,” Eeteuk says, nudging into Heechul's shoulder. “It was a complete failure, anyway. We got so lost.”
“Not as much as mine,” Heechul says. “I had to go rock-climbing.”
“Not as much as Donghae's,” Eeteuk says. “We all watched the footage last night. It was awful. Where were you, here?”
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “Kangin says that I've taken over.”
“The flat's looking more...you,” Eeteuk says. “It's okay, you know. You can come back. Yeun-ja and I have had a row. It'll be safe for the next couple of days.”
“Oh,” Heechul says. “Why?”
“This and that,” Eeteuk says. “I think she's just a bit frustrated with the job and everything. She knew it'd be tough, but...not this tough. We'll work it out. ”
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “I'm sure you will.”
“Thanks,” Eeteuk says. “Relationships, huh.”
“You can say that again,” Heechul says.
Eeteuk opens his mouth to say something but he's interrupted.
“Jesus,” Kangin says, coming back into the room. “Siwon's driven all over China, by the sounds of it.”
Eeteuk looks over his shoulder at Kangin. “Even our ineptitude is defeated! I really need to do something good for my DVD. At the moment it's pretty crap.”
“You and Kangin should do a love scene,” Heechul says, as Heebum jumps on Eeteuk's foot.
***
Kangin comes to the spare room later that night. They've all been drinking, sharing sob stories about the band and how busy it all makes them. Eeteuk's eyes have been all over the pair of them; Heechul hasn't been subtle about placing his hand on Kangin's knee, leaning against him in the dark. Eeteuk is asleep on the sofa but Kangin feels too on-edge to sleep.
“What was all that about?” he says, from the door.
Heechul is reading a book in bed, and when he lifts his eyes they're kind of sad. “What?”
“Don't play dumb,” Kangin says. The light casts odd shadows around his body. “You were really weird tonight.”
Heechul sighs, puts down his book. “I just think,” he says, then stops. “I just wonder where we're going with this. What's going on, Kangin? Where did this all come from?”
Kangin goes over, sits on the bed. “I don't know,” he says. “I thought it was all Eeteuk. I really did. But lately, you've been...there, and you're just so. You drive me fucking insane. Everything you do is just the opposite of what I'd want in a person, but when you do it, it's so- I just. I want you. That's where it came from.”
Heechul nods. “I wanted you,” he says. “But I don't think you're...going to give yourself up. I think you're still in it with him. I don't think it's over.”
“It's over,” Kangin says. “It's over.”
“No,” Heechul says. “It's. You were thinking about him, when we-”
“I wasn't,” Kangin says. “I swear. I swear that I wasn't.”
“He's had a fight with Yeun-ja. Aren't you going to-”
“Heechul,” Kangin says. “For fuck's sake. For somebody who claims to be honest you're going all around the fucking houses here. What is it you want to say? What do you want?”
Heechul looks at him, and Kangin realises that beyond the front and the sarcasm, Heechul's small and unsure and awkward.
“I just want you to be invested in this,” he says, eventually. “I can't go anywhere if you're not invested in me. I can't. I need it to be me. It has to be me.”
“Okay,” Kangin says. “So how do I prove that to you?”
“Tell him,” Heechul says.
“Why?”
“Because I'm afraid that he likes you, too,” Heechul says. “And that if he tells you he does, I'll be...you won't want this. You won't want me anymore.”
“He doesn't,” Kangin says. “We...talked about it. Fuck, maybe 18 months ago. He doesn't feel the same way.”
“I just. I really want you to tell him.”
“Okay,” Kangin says. “Okay.”
***
Eeteuk and Kangin go to the beach the following day. It's the director's idea to replace the driving footage, which he agreed was dire. Eeteuk and Kangin splash about in the water like children, laughing and dive-bombing.
They wrap their arms around each other's shoulders and v-sign the camera, before the director shouts 'cut!'
After filming, they hang around on the sand and watch the sun go down. It's not even cold yet, and Kangin wants to stay forever. Things are so simple, lying by the sea. He doesn't need to think about the mess of his personal life.
“So,” Eeteuk says. “What's going on with you?”
Kangin turns his head to look at Eeteuk. “Oh, God,” he says. “It's complicated.”
“Tell me,” Eeteuk says.
“Hang on,” Kangin says. “What about you? When you met Yeun-ja, you didn't tell me. By the time you told the band, it'd been going on for weeks.”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk says, nodding. “I'm sorry. It just felt...I just. Can I be honest?”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. He's started to get used to brutal honesty.
“I was worried you'd be upset,” Eeteuk says. “Because I know that you feel...about me. I know that you're...I didn't want to upset you. Not that you wouldn't be happy for me. It just felt a bit cruel.”
“How did you know? That I...that I. Fuck. That I liked you.”
“It was...Kangin, you're not subtle.”
“Oh,” Kangin says. “Am I not?”
“No,” Eeteuk says, laughing. “No, you're definitely not.”
“It was hard at first,” Kangin says. “But I just want you to be happy. I'm really glad that you're happy. You know that, right?”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk says. “I do know that. I'm sorry I let the worry get in the way.”
“It's alright,” Kangin says. “Your intentions were good.”
“Shut up,” Eeteuk says.
“No,” Kangin says. “Calm down. Don't get me wrong.”
“Obey me!”
“No,” Kangin says, again. “God, we're a pair. So how are things with Yeun-ja?”
“Looking up,” Eeteuk says, cheerfully. “We're working it out.”
“Good.”
“So tell me,” Eeteuk says. “What mess are you in this time?”
***
The sun falls down behind the dunes and the beach is blue with light. The waves crash on the shore. There's a breeze in the air but they don't feel it, the two boys in the sea.
Kangin lifts Eeteuk up onto his back and then dumps him into the water, and the laughter carries salt for miles.
***
Kangin and Eeteuk head back to the group flat when it gets really dark. They're covered in sand and their hair is all solid with salt. Eeteuk looks at Kangin when they pull up, seeing the nervousness in his eyes.
“It'll be fine,” he says. “Just say what you mean to say. You always had a way with words.”
“He won't even be here,” Kangin says. “He'll be wallpapering my flat or dressing up his cat or something.”
They walk upstairs and there's loud music coming from within. A party. When Eeteuk pushes open the door, there's streamers and plates of food and bottles everywhere. All the band are there, and Yeun-ja, and it's all so warm and so happy that Eeteuk can't stop smiling.
With a knife in his stomach, Kangin follows him into the flat. There's balloons all over the floor which hinder his progress, and he grabs a beer on the way to help his courage.
When he goes into the living room, something understated and sad and not at all festive is playing. And Heechul is dancing, because Heechul dances to anything whether it's easy to dance to or not. Kangin watches him from the doorway until his head turns and he looks at him with his big doe eyes.
“Fuck,” Heechul says. “You look insane. What's wrong with your hair?”
“Sea water,” Kangin says, sitting opposite him in one of their huge chairs. “Eeteuk and I talked.”
“Okay,” Heechul says, turning. He stands surrounded by a song, with such vulnerability in his eyes that Kangin wonders why nobody's ever noticed it before.
“I'm investing,” Kangin says. “I'm investing, alright? I'm here. I want you. Are you with me, or are you not? You have to take me on my word. If you don't trust me-”
“Kangin,” Heechul says, walking over and sitting down on him. “You talk too much.”
“Fucking hell,” Kangin says. “I'm trying to be-”
“Thank you,” Heechul says. “It means a lot that you did that. Move your knee, it's digging into me.”
“So are we doing this?”
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “Yeah. I just needed to know that Eeteuk was-”
“I've let go,” Kangin says. “Some things aren't meant to be. Some things are, beyond all fucking logic and reason.”
“So,” Heechul says, as Kangin strokes his back. “Can I be the Bond girl in your skit?”
***
A few nights later, it happens. Nobody rushes it, which Kangin thinks is why it works. He and Heechul sit around the flat at night watching films and eating dinner, and then one night, it all changes. It starts out in Kangin's lap, the kissing, the brutal, hard kissing. Heechul is grinding a bit and Kangin can't stand it so he yanks him up and walks with him to the bedroom.
When he throws Heechul down on the bed, Heechul's eyes are darker than the sky at night, which Kangin takes as a compliment. He lies down on Heechul and feels his body press up against his own, the kissing deepening. When he runs his hands up Heechul's body Heechul raises his arms above his head, submissive and coquettish and perfectly, perfectly irritating.
“God,” he says. “You're fucking maddening.”
“I'll get fucking mad,” Heechul murmurs. “If you don't f-”
“Alright,” Kangin says. “Alright!”
Kangin is aware that Heechul is particular, that he likes certain things a certain way. He's starting to learn just how to play that game. He knows that Heechul likes being prepped, but only if Kangin strokes his cock at the same time. And he knows that Heechul likes it a certain way, a certain touch. Heechul gives quiet instructions and rewards him with reverent silence, the kind of blissful expression that Kangin saw in the shower so many weeks ago.
Kangin realises that Heechul likes the first moment the best, the first bitter thrust, the one that takes all the air out of his lungs. Heechul bites down on his lip so hard then that Kangin tries to kiss him to make him stop. Heechul bites his lip, then, but Kangin figures that fair's fair. It helps him to think about things that aren't Heechul, that aren't how fucking insanely hot this all this, that aren't the burning tingle in his body. When he moves forward, he groans ragged and long and Heechul sucks in breath until it shrieks.
“Oh, God,” Heechul says, when his lungs are full of air, when he can't bear it anymore. “Fuck, fuck, just, do it, fuck-”
“Fucking hell,” Kangin says. “Backseat fucking...fucker, shut up. Stop giving me directions. Just, shut up-”
“Hey,” Heechul says, reaching down his stomach for his cock. “You're a shitty map-reader. I'm just trying to help you so you don't get lost.”
“I swear,” Kangin says. “I am going to slap your stupid face.”
To prove a point, Kangin shoves Heechul's hand away. He wraps his own hand around Heechul's cock and Heechul rises up against him, a moan in his throat that's pure and perfect. It makes Kangin grin, despite himself.
Slowly, the thrusts go from an undulation to a hard roar of movement, Kangin losing himself in the feeling of it. He doesn't take long and he's getting to the stage where he doesn't care if Heechul does. He's a habit of being accidentally selfish in bed, and that's not how he wants to be remembered.
“Fuck,” he groans. “Are you close? Please tell me you're fucking close.”
Heechul opens his eyes and blinks away the sweat from his forehead. His mouth is soaking wet and when he speaks, his words are soaking wet, too. Kangin thinks for a moment that he's going to quip, and if he does Kangin thinks he will slap his face, even if he has to go to the bathroom afterwards and jerk off.
“Fuck,” Heechul shudders out. “Right there, right there, yeah, like that – just, not much more, not much, fuck, Kangin, there-”
Heechul has his legs wrapped around Kangin. It's reminiscent of the time before, only one of Heechul's hands is in Kangin's hair and the other is in his own. He's tugging with both. There's a thousand different noises in his throat and he's rolling through them as he's rolling through Kangin's rhythm, pushing up to meet him. His nostrils flare when there's a spike of pleasure, and that's dangerously arousing for Kangin.
He's looking at Kangin. That's the difference. Whenever there's a wave of pleasure, his eyes open a bit and they're so dark, so pleased, so out of focus that Kangin can't hold off, can't do anything watching Heechul but want to come and come and come.
“Heechul,” he says, raggedly. “Fucking hurry up, fucking hurry up. Come now, you bastard, can't you come-”
And Heechul, despite being the most disobedient person Kangin knows, does. Hard and unexpected and all over Kangin's hand. And the relief is so tangible, the sheer relief, as Kangin lets go of cramped muscles and tension and just disappears in the rush of feeling that floods through him.
As he vanishes into white noise, he just catches the noise Heechul makes. It's a little like the noise of a string snapping on an expensive violin. He leans down and bites Heechul's collarbone until he makes it, again and again and again.
***
“So,” the manager says to them, looking pleased. “You'll all want to know about the figures.”
Heechul is grinning already. Kangin kicks him under the table, and Eeteuk kicks him for it.
“You might be surprised,” the manager says.
“Oh, I doubt it,” Hankyung says, and Eeteuk kicks him, too. He meets Kangin's foot mid-kick.
“Jesus,” the manager interjects. “Can anybody here behave like an adult for more than two minutes?”
“No,” Heechul says. “Sorry.”
“Right,” he goes on. “Anyway, the DVD that sold the most was Donghae's.”
“What?” Heechul says.
“What?” Donghae says.
Their manager looks at them in despair.
“Wow,” Donghae says. “I've underestimated my popularity.”
“No,” Heechul says. “The fans just like to see us in embarrassing and ludicrous situations. You had an advantage by being totally crap at your task. Presumably Kangin's was second, then?”
“Actually,” the manager says. “Yours was second, Heechul.”
There is a long pause that's eventually punctuated by Kangin's laughter.
“Fuck you!” Heechul shrieks. “Please tell me his was last!”
“Third,” the manager sighs. “Tied with Eeteuk.”
Hankyung looks around the table, at all of these strange people he chooses to be with day-in, day-out. “Please tell me,” he says. “That we're never doing anything like this again.”
“Actually-” the manager begins, and everybody groans.
Pairing: Kangin/Eeteuk, Heechul/Kangin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: My first Super Junior fic [chews nails]. This is an early birthday present to
peacock, my BFF and long-suffering beta reader. Happy Birthday. ♥Warnings: Sex.
.
It takes Kangin four hours to work up the courage to tell Eeteuk, the only person he could tell, about the new dimension to his sexuality. He sees it as an improvement on the five months it took him to admit it to himself.
As expected, Eeteuk is accepting and proud to be Kangin's confidante. He radiates a kind of selfless happiness that Kangin finds irresistible. The kind of selfless happiness that induced Kangin's realisation in the first place.
“Have you ever thought that you might be...?” Kangin asks him, when they're very drunk and very relaxed.
“No,” Eeteuk says. “If I were, I'd definitely be in love with you. That's how I know.”
It doesn't stop Kangin thinking about it. The slant of Eeteuk's tiny little mouth on his own, the way he'd feel so small and horny underneath him. He tries his best not to, but it keeps his brain ticking over.
When they film stupid skits with cards on television shows, Kangin makes the most of it. Over the ace of spades he kisses Eeteuk as he would if only Eeteuk felt the same way.
And once he's gone there, it's impossible to come back again.
***
“Well,” their manager says. “This summer, you're going to be releasing individual member DVDs.” He pauses for effect. “Each one will be thirty minutes long and will reflect your personality.”
Heechul's face is gleeful.
“Are the individual sales going to be tracked?” he asks. “So we know whose DVD is the most popular?”
There's a long pause and various people exchange glances. The manager seems to be regretting the decision made by his boss. Eeteuk is worrying his lower lip and Kangin looks like he wants to throw something across the table.
“It's an idea,” their manager says, and Hankyung rests his head down on the table.
***
“I've been assigned a cooking skit,” Donghae groans. Everybody looks startled.
“Oh God,” Sungmin says. “Have we all been assigned things we're crap at? Is that the idea?”
“I'm going to choose my own stuff,” Kangin insists. “I'm going to play video games. And play football. And maybe do some sort of James Bond skit-”
“Hah,” Heechul says, and Siwon wraps an arm around him, covering his mouth.
“I don't know what I'm going to do,” Eeteuk says, and Kangin looks at him all sideways and a bit gooey, and Heechul rolls his eyes.
“We should do a bit together,” Kangin says.
“That's cheating,” Heechul says, shoving Siwon's hand away. “You can't use Eeteuk to up your sales.”
Kangin glares at him. “What are you going to do, then?”
Heechul sniffs. “I'm going to be an Emperor,” he says. “And have lots of servants.”
“Your DVD is going to suck,” Kangin says. “It's about conveying your personality to the fans. Entertaining them. Not indulging your own ego-”
“Excuse me,” Heechul says. “James Bond?”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “It's perfect for me: I'm suave and strong and handsome. I would protect any girl that needed protecting. So there.”
“Then I'm the perfect Emperor,” Heechul retorts. “I was born to be an Emperor.”
“For fuck's sake-” Kangin says.
“I'm going to go back to China to film mine,” Hankyung says.
“Please let me come with you,” Siwon says, in perfect Mandarin.
***
Eeteuk starts going out during the evenings. It used to be Kangin's time with him, so he notices it. He pretends not to be noticing it, to stop himself hanging around Eeteuk's room when he gets dressed. He doesn't like to do it, partly because it looks obsessive and partly because he has trouble lifting his eyes away from the clean line of Eeteuk's hipbones.
Those who are still up wait for him to come home. Eeteuk isn't naturally secretive and his behaviour encourages everybody to test their resistance to sleepiness. Eeteuk sometimes returns in the early morning to find them all in a snoring heap on the sofa.
Sometimes, he returns home early on, sneaks in the door before anybody can catch him.
Sometimes, he doesn't succeed.
***
“Holy crap,” Hankyung says, and everybody jumps because Hankyung doesn't swear in Korean. He's leaning out of the upstairs window. Siwon tentatively wanders over, peering over his shoulder.
“Oh,” he says. The 'oh' is somehow heavier than Hankyung's curse. It brings everybody over. They look down into the street below at Eeteuk and a girl in the shadows. They're far too close together not be kissing.
Heechul whirls around. “Kangin, you must have known about it. Who's that?”
Kangin just shrugs. “I didn't know,” he says. “He hasn't mentioned anything.”
“Probably early days,” Siwon says, trying to be sympathetic.
“Really,” Heechul says, squeezing in beside Hankyung. “The way he's kissing her, I don't think-”
“I'm going to bed,” Kangin says.
***
The next day, Eeteuk tells everybody that he has a girlfriend. It's surprising because it's difficult for all of them to find the right person to date. When one of them does the others seem to live off the details in a disturbing, voyeuristic way for months.
It's a shame then that Kangin really doesn't want to know.
“He went to school with her,” Sungmin tells him, over the football one evening. “That's nice, isn't it?”
“Yeah,” Kangin tries. “It's nice.”
“She's cute,” Heechul says, when he and Kangin go out for a beer or six. “It's terrible sharing a room with him, though. Do you think he'll bring her in while I'm asleep and-”
“No,” Kangin says, decisively. “Teukie's not like that.”
“He's stopped looking at porn,” Heechul says. “It's like he's lost a leg or something.”
Kangin is supposed to be the go-to person for the latest on Eeteuk's life. Being somebody's best friend is being their confidante, but the mere thought of Eeteuk with a girl makes Kangin want to crunch balls of paper between his fists. It's what he used to do when he was younger and angry and he's glad that Eeteuk hasn't asked him for advice. He doesn't want Eeteuk to know.
Still. It hurts that Eeteuk isn't sharing.
“I don't think they've done it yet,” Heechul adds. “He's really nervous around her. They're blatantly not-”
“Fuck!” Kangin retorts. “Enough, already. Anyone'd think you were obsessed.”
“Hah,” Heechul says. “Funny you should say that.”
***
She's nervous. Sitting on one of their kitchen bar stools, she tucks and untucks her little feet. Winds her hair around her earlobe, then out again. Her name is Yeun-ja, and she's tiny. Tiny and gorgeous with a pink mouth that makes Kangin hungry.
It's as though she's been briefed in advance: she makes a special effort to win Kangin's favour. Kangin tries his best not to hate her on principle. It's not even that difficult: she's sweet, appropriate, very Eeteuk.
“Jungsoo says that you work the hardest out of everybody,” she says, and the way she says Eeteuk's name reverberates in Kangin's skull so that he doesn't initially hear the question.
“Er,” he says. “Sorry, what?”
She repeats herself without a shadow of irritation, just a tiny lick of her lips.
“Oh,” he says. “Well, I like to keep busy, you know. We only get one shot at this, might as well make the most of it. I like to work.”
“At school,” she says. “I didn't really see much of Jungsoo. He was always off practicing his singing or his dancing. It's funny that we just bumped into each other again...”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “It's pretty funny. Meant to be, huh.”
She smiles, then, delicately – as if she's already calculated the appropriate amount of emotion for the situation. “Well, we'll see how it goes. He's so nice. I like him a lot.”
“Watch out,” Kangin says. “He seems that way until you get to know him.”
“Oi,” Eeteuk says, coming into the kitchen. He's been at the radio station and the show ran late. He's come in from the wintry weather outside and his body radiates cold. Kangin wants to touch him as he goes past, the way they always have done. Instead, Eeteuk goes over to Yeun-ja and touches her hand. She lets his fingers stroke hers with just the right amount of appreciation.
***
“Maybe you should do a romantic scene with her for your DVD,” Heechul says, later on. They're all lying around on bean bags, watching some awful film of Siwon's. Siwon is the only one paying attention: he even misses the words 'romantic' and 'scene'.
“Hah,” Kangin says. “Good idea, idiot. The fans would want to poison her.”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk says, nodding. “I don't think she has enough life insurance for that.”
“Okay,” Heechul says. There's a pause. “They'd probably like it if you did a romantic scene with Kangin, though, right?”
“Who's doing a romantic scene with Kangin?” Siwon says, suddenly lifting his head.
“Eeteuk,” Heechul says, lazily.
“He is not,” Kangin says. “Shut up.”
“Poor fans,” Heechul says. “I'm going to do one with Hankyung, after all.”
“What?” Hankyung says.
“Nothing,” Heechul says.
***
Regarding the subject of sex there are a few unwritten rules in the house (this is why television crews rarely burst into the house without prior notification). The first is that unless specified, all of their bedrooms are open to all members. There are no locks on their doors. There is trust and understanding of boundaries.
Unless specified. Specified means a number of things. When Heechul has somebody over, he will spell out a specific word on the fridge with alphabet letters. The word changes from month to month but all of the members know that if the word 'crabapple' or 'sandcastle' or 'hoof' appears on the fridge, then Heechul's room is off-limits until the word disappears again.
The only problem with this is that sometimes Kangin uses the alphabet letters to spell out rude words, and people avoid Heechul for days on end in the mistaken belief that he has one of his friends over.
Kangin's method of keeping the others out was more simple: when he lived there, he hung a sock over his door handle. Sometimes Heechul removed it just to see what would happen. Kangin's glad that he doesn't live there anymore.
These policies often lead to strange bed-sharing, because of their shared rooms. Eeteuk regularly finds himself turfed out and at Kangin's flat, having drawn the short straw in sharing with Heechul. This month, however, it's Heechul's turn to be displaced. Eeteuk shows off his personal method of communication: a large sign on his door that says, 'Please do not disturb.'
“Fuck,” Heechul says, looking at it.
'I'm a heavy sleeper!' he writes underneath, then heads out to his radio show. When he returns, the word 'No!' is written in capitals and heavily underlined, so he troops off to the kitchen with his special sad face on.
“Hah,” Kangin says. “Serves you right. He's always having to come over to mine. It's about time the shoe was on the other foot.”
“You don't even live here!” Heechul splutters. “Let me have your spare room.”
“No,” Kangin says. “Once you move in, you'll never leave again. That's the problem. You'll put up decorations and take it over.”
Heechul sneers at Kangin. “I think I'm going to walk into my room right as Eeteuk's about to do it. Is that what you want? Don't you love him at all?”
Kangin's face goes a funny colour.
“You can sleep in with me,” Donghae says, shrugging as he peers into his pot on the stove. Hankyung has gone home to visit his parents and to film his DVD, so Donghae has been given the position of cook in order to practice for his own.
“You're lovely,” Heechul says, wandering over to reward his loveliness with a compliment. Staring into the pot, he finds himself lost for words.
“I'm sure it'll taste better than it looks,” he says.
“Thank you,” Donghae says, non-plussed.
***
There's an awkward moment between the table and the fridge. Kangin is contemplating chocolate milk and when he turns, Yeun-ja is there. She's clothed, thank God, but still. There's a film of change on her and Kangin doesn't know how to respond.
“Morning,” she says, tucking a wispy hair around her ear. She looks untouched. As if she went to sleep perfect. Kangin feels mean for hoping that they've decided to wait.
“Morning,” he says.
“I prefer strawberry,” she says, nodding towards his hands as she grabs herself a coffee.
“Oh,” he says. “Yeah, yeah. Teukie does, too.”
“Teukie?” she says. “Oh, yes, right. Sorry.”
“Yeah,” he says, and there's an awkward silence.
“Well,” he says, trying to smile. “Help yourself to anything.”
“Thank you,” she says, and her smile is genuine. She turns to the counter and tilts her head at the coffee-maker. Her ponytail swings gently and exposes her neckline. On the curve of her shoulder, where the line of her skin trips up her neck, there's a mark. It's dark pink. Kangin closes his eyes, and tries his best not to fill in the blanks.
***
Kangin has to play football for part of his DVD, which is fine. He's a good player. He's relieved: Heechul has to go rock-climbing, and everybody knows that he hates heights. Heechul comes to watch the filming, because he's got nothing better to do. Kangin's just grateful that he hasn't brought his cat along.
“We just want you to run around for a bit,” the director says. “And then score a goal.”
That sounds about right, Kangin thinks. He nods. “Got it,” he says. “No problem.”
He runs about for a bit, puts in a bit of fancy footwork, scores a goal worthy of a world cup final; he can almost hear the cheers of the-
'Cut!'
“Okay,” the director says. “That was good, but just tone it down, okay? It's better if you're not too good. We don't want the fans thinking you want to leave the band and become a football player.”
Kangin blinks. “I don't want to be-”
“Even so,” the director says, not losing an inch of his smile. “It suits you more to be less polished. Let's take a break, everyone.”
Kangin jogs over to Heechul, who has his music on and a book open. Kangin is often surprised when he sees Heechul multi-tasking. Kangin can't think and watch TV at once.
“What's up?” Heechul says.
“He wants me to be less polished,” Kangin says, wincing, waiting for the crowing laughter he knows is inevitable.
“Huh,” Heechul says, looking around Kangin at the director. “He's probably just jealous. Just keep doing what you're doing. It'll get dark soon.”
“They'll bring me back tomorrow,” Kangin says.
“No, they won't,” Heechul says. “I've got to go rock climbing this week. They've set aside four days for it. There's no time. Kangin, it's your DVD. Do what you want.”
“Four days?” Kangin says. “I get one afternoon and you get four days?”
Heechul shrugs and goes back to his book. “I don't really like heights,” he says, mildly.
“You are such a princess-”
Heechul looks up, then, and flashes him a grin. “I know,” he says. “Comes in handy.”
“Come and play with me,” Kangin says. “After we finish.”
Heechul looks at the pitch dubiously. “But there's-”
“If you're scared of a little mud,” Kangin says.
“Fuck you,” Heechul says. “Fine. Fine, whatever. If you can do it in less than four thousand takes, we'll play.”
***
Kangin completes his filming in four takes, and Heechul slouches onto the pitch.
“I'm wearing Converse,” he moans. “Look, ruined.”
Kangin jogs in circles around him, cackling. The sun is beginning to set and there's nobody left but them: silence, all around them. The sky is a great wash of sunny blue and the trees are flowering. It's beautiful. Kangin breathes in the crisp air and feels better than he has in ages.
“Come on,” he says, kicking Heechul the ball. “I'll give you first touch.”
For all his whining, Heechul has long legs and a certain squirminess that lends itself well to football. He's able to outrun Kangin and elbow him out the way. The last time he does it, with a score of 3-0 weighing on Kangin's shoulders, Kangin pulls him right down onto the ground. They slide in the mud, struggling together, and Heechul starts hitting Kangin's shoulders the moment they're down.
“This isn't football!” he's yelling.
“Says you,” Kangin snorts. “You were shoving me out the way pretty well back there. Just giving you a little payback.”
“Take your payback,” Heechul pants, trying to stand up in the slime. “And shove it up your-”
And he slips, slides down onto Kangin, who howls his head off, before he realises that once Heechul's on top of him, there's no way he's going to move.
“Heechul,” he says. “I'm not a fucking boat. Move!”
“No,” Heechul says. “I'm clean up here. You have to slide us both out. Quickly: my shoes are leaking.”
“Heechul.”
“No,” Heechul says. He's smirking, fuck him. Fuck him. Kangin leans over and topples him off and for a while, they just wriggle in the mud until they're filthy and exhausted.
“Oh, God,” Heechul says, eventually. “How the fuck are we going to get home?”
***
Two hours later, nobody has moved all that far. The sky is burnt blue and Kangin's arms are goosepimply. The warmth of exercise has left him to the mercy of the breeze.
“Are you dry?” he says to Heechul. They're lying on a spot of clean grass. The mud on his trousers has hardened. He doesn't want to move.
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “But I can't move my legs. I have mud in my hair.”
“Shit,” Kangin says. Nobody moves. “Maybe I should call somebody. They could hose us down.”
“I think we're going to die here,” Heechul says, miserably.
“Don't be stupid,” Kangin scoffs, hauling himself up with unpleasant cricks. There's mud down his t-shirt, in his pockets, all over his face. He doesn't even know how most of it got there. Heechul is even worse off: there's mud in his hair, across his cheeks. His shirt is caked in it. He's lost a shoe.
“Come on,” he says, nudging Heechul with his foot. “It's nearly dark.”
“Leave me,” Heechul says. “You can save yourself. Go on without me. I'll just be a burden.”
“Okay,” Kangin says, cheerfully, striding off into the distance until he hears Heechul whining after him. When he returns, Heechul looks tired and cold. Despite himself, Kangin feels bad. Heechul's rarely warm at the best of times.
“For fuck's sake,” he says, bending down and hauling Heechul up. Heechul flops against him, pleased, and so Kangin yanks him upwards and over his shoulder.
“That is not-” Heechul splutters. “Dignified-”
“I gave you enough chances,” Kangin says, determinedly striding off towards the road and his car. “You didn't move. Desperate times. I'm doing you a favour, after all – I could leave you here. You're going to get mud all over my car.”
“Can't you find a better way to-”
“No,” Kangin says. “Stop whining. And stop kicking me, you asshole.”
***
When they get home, Eeteuk and Eunhyuk are in the kitchen, desperately adding sauces and seasonings to the food cooking on the stove. They turn to see Kangin clomping into the house with Heechul over his shoulder, both of them red-faced and angry. Their jaws drop.
“You had to do mud-wrestling for your DVD?” Eunhyuk manages, eventually. “Seriously?”
“No!” Kangin says, dropping Heechul onto the floor. “I had to play football. He just got carried away.”
“Fuck off,” Heechul says. “You asked me to.”
“What in the name of-” Sungmin starts, coming in from the living room. “God, is that smell the food or them?”
Eeteuk gives him a sidelong glance and a smile, before Eunhyuk nudges his shoulder. “Leave Donghae alone, he's trying,” he says. “Anyway, you both have to go shower, you're getting mud everywhere. You're both insane.”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk nods. “Both of you. The floor's filthy.”
“I'm not showering with him,” Heechul says.
“Yes, you are,” Sungmin says, dragging him off into the bathroom. “You fucking stink.”
“Are you going to-” Heechul says. “Hang on-”
Sungmin is tugging off Heechul's clothes. Kangin leans against the door and watches, cackling. He stops when Sungmin turns to him.
***
“I don't know why people think he's cute,” Kangin says. “He's satanic.”
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “Fuck, this shower is too small. Move over.”
“It's not my fault,” Kangin says, as their shoulders jostle together. “It's only meant for one person.”
“No, it's just you,” Heechul says. “Eeteuk and I can both fit in here fine.”
Kangin decides to let that one go.
“Pass the shampoo,” Heechul says. When Kangin hands it over, Heechul turns and massages it into his hair. From the back, he looks like Eeteuk, Kangin realises. The height, the slim build. They both have hips that could cut. When Heechul rubs his scalp, Kangin thinks about pushing him up against the tile, feeling that slim little body-
“What are you doing?” Heechul scoffs. “Are you looking? You pervert!”
“I'm not!” Kangin yells, and even Heechul jumps backwards. He looks ludicrous with his wide eyes and his soapy head and Kangin grabs the back of his skull, yanks him under the shower stream.
“Here,” he says. “You'll get soap in your eyes.”
He massages the shampoo out gently, and Heechul closes his eyes. Slowly, the mud releases its grip and the hot water washes it from him. The shower is all muddy beneath their feet but Kangin doesn't care, because he's drawn to the look of bliss on his face, the one that's not Eeteuk at all.
When Heechul opens his eyes, Kangin knows that he's too close. That everything he's thinking about must be written all over his face.
Heechul shakes his hair loose and strides past Kangin, opens the door, grabs a towel from the rail. There's a hint of a slam when he closes the door. Kangin sighs and leans his forehead against the tile.
“Shit,” he says.
***
When he follows Heechul out, everybody is in the living room. There's plates of food all around and none of them are empty. Donghae sits miserably in the middle of the floor and Kibum rubs his shoulder in consolation.
They're watching The Lion King. Kangin knows that he should be drawn to the way Yeun-ja is curled up beside Eeteuk, but his eyes are on Heechul. Heechul sits beside Donghae, his knees drawn up to his chest. His eyes are on the screen, completely transfixed.
“Is this the bit where-” Donghae says.
“Ssh,” Heechul says. “Just keep watching.”
Kangin doesn't know whether to go or stay. The big lion's about to die. That's always the moment where Heechul's face goes all funny. Kangin wishes that his life were easy.
***
It's past 10pm when Kangin's doorbell goes. Having bowed out of the DVD watching, he's spent the evening by himself: cooking, porn, a bit of alcohol. He's relished in the quiet, the chance to shove both Eeteuk and Heechul and their stupid narrow hips out of his head. When the doorbell goes, he's not thrilled to see Heechul outside his door.
“I thought you weren't speaking to me,” he says, when he opens it.
“What?” Heechul says. “Don't be stupid. Let me in.”
Kangin lets him in.
“I'm speaking to you,” Heechul says. “Just, what the hell was all that about, in the shower? What's going on with you? I know that it's an Eeteuk thing, it's always an Eeteuk thing, but do you have to take it out on me? And can I stay here tonight, by the way? Eeteuk's got Yeun-ja staying again. And Donghae's pissed because I called his cooking crap.”
Kangin blinks. “Look,” he says. “Right, fine, yeah, you can stay. The rest I'm just not going into. Can you accept that? I don't want to talk about it.”
“Fine,” Heechul says, awkwardly. “But I want you to know that I'm pissed about it.”
“Alright,” Kangin says. “Have you got clothes with you? I'm not lending you mine.”
Heechul brandishes a rather large rucksack and a cat basket. Inside, Heebum mews pitifully.
“Fucking hell,” Kangin says. “You're not staying more than one night.”
***
Heechul's alarm goes off at six; he has his filming to get to. Kangin isn't a heavy sleeper and while Heechul trundles about, Kangin has to work to ignore it. Forty-five minutes later, he's just drifting off when Heebum jumps onto his bed and nuzzles into his face.
“I don't like you,” Kangin says, hiding his head under the pillow.
Heebum purrs anyway.
***
Some time later, he goes down to watch Heechul shooting. Eeteuk has gone to Yeun-ja's house to meet her parents and won't be back for a day or two, otherwise Kangin thinks he'd have gone and played pool with him. He's getting used to sharing Eeteuk, and it hurts.
When he arrives at the shoot, Heechul is being accosted by the director. Depressingly, it's the same one that directed Kangin's shoot, and Kangin winces when they make eye-contact.
“Aha,” the director says. “Kangin. Are you any good at pep-talks?”
“No,” Heechul says, sullenly, but Kangin comes over nonetheless.
“Alright,” he says. “Not bad. Why?”
“I'm having trouble with the rock being up there,” Heechul says. “And not down here.”
“Right,” Kangin says, stifling a laugh.
“We've told him that it's perfectly safe,” the director says.
“That's what you say about everything,” Heechul says. “That's what they always say, and then we're drunk or upside down or in a swimming pool with plastic bags over our heads.”
“Okay,” Kangin says. “Can you give us a second?”
The director nods once and declares it time for a break. Everybody scuttles, clearly in need of some coffee. Kangin looks at Heechul, and all the desire to laugh just disappears. Despite the bravado and the thick set of his chin, Heechul looks scared to death.
“You'll be fine,” Kangin says. “That's what the harness is for.”
“I don't like the idea of trusting in a bit of rope,” Heechul says. “It doesn't seem very sturdy.”
Kangin turns him around and around, tugging here and there at the harness. He tries to ignore the fact that it's tight around Heechul's hips and thighs, concentrating on being reassuring rather than perverted.
“See, it's secure,” he says. “Perfectly sturdy. You're like a feather, anyway. Nothing's going to break.”
“Do you think I should look down? They keep telling me not to, but I can't stop.”
“Tell you what,” Kangin says. “Come on.”
He places his hand on the wall and leads Heechul to it.
“Do it now,” he says. “It'll be easier. It's just you and me.”
Heechul puts an unsteady foot into the first holder, and lifts himself off the ground. “I don't fucking like this,” he says. “I could have played football.”
“Look how well that turned out,” Kangin says. “Keep going.”
“I'm a better player than you are,” Heechul scoffs. “You think you're the next-”
“Shut up,” Kangin says. “At least I don't think I'm an Emperor.”
“I don't think,” Heechul says, climbing up and up and up. “I am.”
“You missed off the word 'deluded',” Kangin says.
“I'm deluded?” Heechul says. “Least I'm not mooning after Teukie, for fuck's sake-”
There's a long silence, and Kangin's jaw drops open. Heechul looks down and visibly freaks out.
“Kangin,” he's saying, when Kangin's brain comes back into focus. “I can't do this. I'm coming down. I'm fucking-”
“No,” Kangin says, eventually. “You're fucking not. Because if you do, I will strangle you, you presumptuous little shit. You're safer up there.”
“Oh,” Heechul says. “Fair enough.”
***
The takes Heechul gives are incredible and Kangin hates himself for encouraging him – so typical that even fearful, Heechul gives it his all. At one point he stops climbing and leans all the way back and upside down, hanging on the rope until his whole body is a curl in the air. It's terrific and beautiful and Kangin stomps outside for some fresh air.
He digs his 'phone out of his pocket and calls Eeteuk. It takes thirty seconds for him to answer and when he does, he's out of breath.
“Oh,” Kangin says. “Oh, shit, sorry, I'll, er, never mind. Never mind. Go back to-”
“Kangin,” Eeteuk says, and he's laughing. “It's fine. I'm not- we're not. I left my 'phone in the house, I had to run to get it. That's all.”
“Oh,” Kangin says, again. He wonders whether he wanted Eeteuk to be out of breath. Whether he wanted to think about him, straddling Kangin, his lips parted and his face stricken and Kangin's name in his throat. “How's it going?”
“Fine,” Eeteuk says. There's a pause as he sits down. He's outside again, Kangin thinks, he can hear the sound of birds. “Yeun-ja's parents are very nice.”
“They know what you do and everything?”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk says. “It's kind of hard to explain it properly, but they understand. She's...done a lot to help them understand.”
Kangin doesn't know what to say to that.
“They have a beautiful house,” Eeteuk goes on. “I'm in the garden. It's so nice.”
“I can hear the birds,” Kangin says.
“I miss you,” Eeteuk says, with a laugh. “You'd chase all the birds, wouldn't you?”
“Probably,” Kangin says, a smile spreading over his face. “I miss you, too. Are you happy?”
There's a moment of silence where Kangin can't breathe, and then Eeteuk says, 'yes', and the 'yes' is so joyful, so full of life and light and air that Kangin smiles, too. Somehow, it's right. Even though it aches, it's right.
“Good,” he says. “I'm happy, too.”
***
“I didn't think you'd still be here,” Heechul says. Kangin is sitting in the car park, musing. Heechul's come out the back, all tousled and star-of-the-moment, annoying. Kangin glowers at him.
“Yeah, well,” he says. “I thought I'd give you a hand getting your head through the door, Spider-man.”
“Heh,” Heechul says, hopping up onto the picnic bench. He has sandwiches and he offers Kangin one. “Been talking to Teukie?” he says, nodding at the 'phone on the table.
“Yeah,” Kangin says, munching. “Talking. Not mooning.”
“I'm sorry,” Heechul says. “That was shitty of me. I was scared, I took it too far.”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “It's alright, though. I kind of was. It's over now, I think.”
“It is?” Heechul says. “I mean, fuck. Really?”
“I wasn't that bad,” Kangin spits. “Fucking hell. It's just, you know. Fuck, I don't know how to say it. You know what I mean.”
“Sometimes you have to let go,” Heechul says. “Sometimes these things are not to be.”
Kangin looks at him. “Where did that come from?”
“Saw it on an advert this morning,” Heechul says. “Point is, sometimes it's hard to let go of somebody because you're accepting that they've rejected you. It's not just about your care for them, but your care for yourself. Nobody likes being rejected..”
Kangin opens and closes his mouth, but can't find words that seem appropriate.
“But once you can let go and accept that it's not a rejection, just something that can't happen, just something that isn't right – it gets easier. It's not really about you. It's just about him: he loves you, just not that way. Shit happens. You have to pull your head out.”
“You've been through it,” Kangin says.
“'Course not,” Heechul says. “Who the hell would ever reject me?”
Kangin shoves at him, with his shoulder, and Heechul wobbles on the edge of the bench before Kangin steadies him. There's a brush of eye contact, so fine and so soft that Kangin almost mistakes it for a breeze. And then Heechul hops off and walks towards Kangin's car, and Kangin realises that the day is clear. That his head, for once, is clear.
***
When they go back to Kangin's flat, Heechul showers (hanging upside down makes you sweaty – who'd have thought it?, he says) and Kangin sits and tries to watch television. His fists clench as he tries to concentrate: the news is full of stories, but all he can think about is Heechul running his hands over himself. The idea of Heechul, small and dark and hypnotically beautiful under the water. Those dark eyes clouding over with lust as he is-
Kangin smacks his hand down on his thigh and knocks a perfectly good can of beer off the arm of his chair. Sighing, he goes to find a cloth.
No matter how hard he searches, he can't find a cloth anywhere. He searches the kitchen, the laundry basket, his bedroom. Eventually, he thinks to go into the spare room. There are his cloths: Heebum has made a little cosy nest out of them. There's something wrong with that cat, Kangin thinks.
“Right,” he says. “You like me, right? I just need one cloth.”
He puts his hand out and gingerly pulls at one of the looser cloths. Without warning, Heebum's paw comes down upon his hand, claws extended. There's a hint of a hiss as Kangin yells, as if the noise has further inconvenienced the cat.
“Fine, fine, fuck you,” he says, sucking on his fingers as he storms back into the living room. The beer has started a romantic union with the carpet, and Kangin puts his head in his hands.
“Heechul!” he yells through the door. “Either your cat goes or you go!”
“What?” Heechul yells, above the steam. “Just come in, for fuck's sake, I can't hear you!”
Kangin pushes the door open and does not, decisively does not, look at the line of Heechul's hip as he turns to face him. Heechul is wet and his eyes are huge and he licks his lips while he's waiting for Kangin to speak. And Kangin feels, suddenly, at the mercy of a force more powerful than he is.
“Your cat stole my cloths,” he says, feebly. “And he scratched me.”
Heechul laughs, and pulls the curtain back across. “He's showing affection.”
Crossly, Kangin feels the urge to fling something at Heechul's head: so confusing and irritating and gorgeous and fuckable, he snaps, “Yeah, well, I know where he learnt that from.”
Heechul turns his head, but Kangin's already slammed the door.
***
“Fuck you,” Heechul says. He's standing outside the bathroom door, naked. There's water on the carpet, to add salt to the wound.
“What?” Kangin says. “You're taking over my flat! You're not even supposed to be here! There's beer all over my carpet and your stupid cat has stolen all my cloths and it's going to fucking stain, and now you're getting water everywhere-”
“Oh, fucking hell, don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?” Heechul yells back. “It's just water! I'll clean up the beer – it just needs carpet cleaner, it's not the fucking end of the world! And if you hate having me here so much, I'll just leave!”
“Good,” Kangin says, on a roll now, unsure whether he means it or not or whether he even cares. “Good, you do that. At least my flat will be tidy!”
“God,” Heechul says. “You've turned into an old man, Kangin. Have you listened to yourself?”
“It's not my fault you're a kid,” Kangin says. “That you're fucking scared of growing up. It's not my fault you don't want to live like an adult-”
“You're an adult?” Heechul spits, obviously smarting. “You can't accept your own fucking feelings! You just bury your head in the sand and go off in a sulk. You're the most immature person I've ever met!”
“Oh, yeah,” Kangin says. “Because whining is really mature. Manipulation is so adult! I'll take a few tips out of your book, shall I, and just blackmail people into doing what I want because they're fed up of the fits I throw if I don't get my own way!”
“Fuck you,” Heechul hisses. “Fuck you and your stupid flat and your stupid carpet-”
“Oh, just leave, just go,” Kangin says. “I can't be fucked with your tantrums anymore, I really can't.”
“Fine,” Heechul says. “I'll get some clothes on and leave. Thanks for the fucking hospitality.”
This time, he slams the door. Kangin lets the sound echo out, and closes his eyes.
***
It's midnight and everything is very quiet. Kangin assumes that Heechul is packing. There's a million things he wants to say, but he doesn't know how to say any of it. Heechul is right: he can't own his feelings. Maybe he can change that. He rises from the bed and balls his hands into fists, willing courage out of his stomach or his guts or wherever it is you get courage fr-
He looks up, and Heechul is standing at the entrance to Kangin's room. The light is on behind him and it casts him in a low, warm glow. He's wearing a long, black robe. His hair isn't yet dry, but it sticks in little curls to the contours of his neck.
“Hi,” he says. “I want to punch your stupid, ugly face for everything you said to me, you twat. But not right now. Can I sleep in here tonight?”
***
It doesn't happen naturally. Heechul sits down on the bed and looks at Kangin, and Kangin looks back with fear in his stomach.
“Well,” Heechul says. “If you don't want to do this-”
“I do want to do this,” Kangin says. “I do. Just, fuck, stop looking at me like that. You're fucking unnatural.”
“Thank you,” Heechul says. “You do know how to make a person feel good.”
“Oh, shut up, princess,” Kangin says. “You're the one who's so fucking contrary-”
“I'm not contrary,” Heechul says. “So the Eeteuk thing is over?”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “I'm accepting. It's never going to happen. And besides,” he adds, with an impish grin. “There are other things on my mind right now.”
“Oh,” Heechul says, smirking. “Like what?”
Kangin reaches out and slides a hand underneath Heechul's robe, over his thigh. Heechul's eyelids fall closed and his head tips back as Kangin touches him.
“Fuck,” he hisses, reaching forward and shoving Kangin onto his back. “Fuck, Kangin-”
“Bedside table,” Kangin breathes. “Top drawer.”
“Of course,” Heechul says.
***
It's awkward, but first times so often are, Kangin keeps telling himself. Heechul is unearthly, almost: his body is slender and it goes on forever. His legs are endless around Kangin's back. His chest rises and falls with the pain and the pleasure of it. His head tilts back and his neck is long, too, studded with breathing.
He doesn't look at Kangin at all. When Kangin fucks him, he turns his head to the side. His hands are beside his head, clutching the pillow. He mutters obscenities in the dark. But he never once looks Kangin's way, and Kangin isn't used to that sort of sex. He's not sure how to process it.
“Harder,” Heechul says, and it's not a request. Against his stomach, Kangin can feel Heechul's hand moving. He goes to take over but Heechul doesn't move his fist, so Kangin drops his.
He fucks harder. Harder and harder and harder. And Heechul's body spills out in front of him like water, and the sight of it should be enough, but it isn't, somehow.
It takes Heechul an age to come. Kangin, even longer. Kangin never takes long. He doesn't know how to process that, either.
Afterwards, Heechul goes for a bath and Kangin lies staring at the ceiling. His body tingles but his head feels empty.
***
Heechul's body is warm and small. Kangin is awake for two hours just getting used to that. The slide of his robe as Kangin curls up behind him, the way he fits, just so. For the first time, Kangin isn't thinking of Eeteuk at all.
When Heebum comes in, Kangin keeps still and quiet. The little cat jumps onto the bed and curls himself into Heechul's stomach. Kangin drops an arm over, rubs the flat of his head. There's a long pause, and then hard, loud purring.
“Yeah,” Kangin says. “I accept your apology.”
***
Eeteuk sends Kangin mail the next day, something about accompanying him to shooting. The director wants to film them together, something about them being a popular pair. Kangin doesn't think, he just agrees, and he leaves Heechul a note over breakfast.
When he arrives at the location, there's a large, beat-up car.
“We're supposed to go driving,” Eeteuk says, all smiles. He's wearing a t-shirt with a face on it. It's disturbing, because his expression is similarly cartoonish.
“Okay,” Kangin says, grinning back, because it reminds him of all the stupid things that Eeteuk and he used to do together.
They get into the car, which has cameras on both the doors and the front window. There's a squabble over seats, because Eeteuk's driving is appalling but it's his DVD. Kangin eventually relents, because it's Eeteuk, and they drive off. Kangin holds the map that the crew have given them to follow, and gives unsteady directions.
“Oh,” Kangin says, ten minutes in. “I've given you the wrong, um. I've made you take a left we weren't supposed to take.”
“Shit,” Eeteuk says, then covers his mouth and laughs into the camera. “Um, where? Where are we now?”
“I'm not sure,” Kangin says, turning the map over and over. “This isn't where we should be, I know that. What road are we on?”
“I don't know!” Eeteuk says, laughing. “You're the map-reader!”
“Oh, God,” Kangin says. “Pull in. I'll go and ask somebody.”
Eeteuk pulls over until the car bumps the pavement, and Kangin jumps out with his map. He heads into the nearest convenience store. In the meantime, Eeteuk turns the radio on, hums along. His 'phone rings, but he ignores it.
Kangin comes out of the store doing his victorious dance, and Eeteuk laughs when he sees him, so ridiculous. He claps when Kangin thrusts the map at him, praising the gloriousness that is old ladies in supermarkets.
Kangin thumbs the new path on the map, and shouts directions with glee as Eeteuk pulls them out of the street.
Ten minutes later, they're lost again.
***
They end up parked by a public park, Eeteuk laughing so much that he can't speak. Whether it's Kangin's directions or the old woman's route that's faulty, neither of them can be sure. Kangin turns off the cameras and they sit and wait for Eeteuk to catch his breath.
“Well, we're fucked,” Kangin says. “They'll have to come and pick us up. It'll make great footage.”
“Oh, God,” Eeteuk says. “What if they leave us here? Lost forever?”
“Don't be stupid,” Kangin says. “God, you're as bad as Heechul.”
“Why?” Eeteuk says. “What's Heechul done?”
Kangin snorts, wipes his palms on his jeans. “Nothing. He's just melodramatic.”
“Sorry that he's taken over your flat. I really should...find a better arrangement, but Yeun-ja lives with her parents, and it doesn't seem right to-”
“No, it's cool,” Kangin says, awkwardly. “I understand.”
“Yeah.” Eeteuk rests back in his seat. As if cued, his 'phone goes off, and he ignores it.
“Aren't you going to get that?” Kangin says.
“No,” Eeteuk says. “It's Yeun-ja. We've had a bit of a row.”
***
When he returns to the flat, Heechul is on the 'phone with Siwon. Siwon is in China with Hankyung. They've been driving all over the place, too.
“Hey,” Kangin says. “Eeteuk's here. We just drove all over the city to get back.”
Heechul looks from one to the other, and then hands the 'phone to Kangin. “There,” he says. “It's Siwon. Commiserate over failed navigation.”
Eeteuk sits down on the floor and starts twirling a bit of string around for Heebum. Heechul sits beside him and watches.
“So,” he says. “Kangin used you to up his sales after all.”
“Shut up,” Eeteuk says, nudging into Heechul's shoulder. “It was a complete failure, anyway. We got so lost.”
“Not as much as mine,” Heechul says. “I had to go rock-climbing.”
“Not as much as Donghae's,” Eeteuk says. “We all watched the footage last night. It was awful. Where were you, here?”
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “Kangin says that I've taken over.”
“The flat's looking more...you,” Eeteuk says. “It's okay, you know. You can come back. Yeun-ja and I have had a row. It'll be safe for the next couple of days.”
“Oh,” Heechul says. “Why?”
“This and that,” Eeteuk says. “I think she's just a bit frustrated with the job and everything. She knew it'd be tough, but...not this tough. We'll work it out. ”
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “I'm sure you will.”
“Thanks,” Eeteuk says. “Relationships, huh.”
“You can say that again,” Heechul says.
Eeteuk opens his mouth to say something but he's interrupted.
“Jesus,” Kangin says, coming back into the room. “Siwon's driven all over China, by the sounds of it.”
Eeteuk looks over his shoulder at Kangin. “Even our ineptitude is defeated! I really need to do something good for my DVD. At the moment it's pretty crap.”
“You and Kangin should do a love scene,” Heechul says, as Heebum jumps on Eeteuk's foot.
***
Kangin comes to the spare room later that night. They've all been drinking, sharing sob stories about the band and how busy it all makes them. Eeteuk's eyes have been all over the pair of them; Heechul hasn't been subtle about placing his hand on Kangin's knee, leaning against him in the dark. Eeteuk is asleep on the sofa but Kangin feels too on-edge to sleep.
“What was all that about?” he says, from the door.
Heechul is reading a book in bed, and when he lifts his eyes they're kind of sad. “What?”
“Don't play dumb,” Kangin says. The light casts odd shadows around his body. “You were really weird tonight.”
Heechul sighs, puts down his book. “I just think,” he says, then stops. “I just wonder where we're going with this. What's going on, Kangin? Where did this all come from?”
Kangin goes over, sits on the bed. “I don't know,” he says. “I thought it was all Eeteuk. I really did. But lately, you've been...there, and you're just so. You drive me fucking insane. Everything you do is just the opposite of what I'd want in a person, but when you do it, it's so- I just. I want you. That's where it came from.”
Heechul nods. “I wanted you,” he says. “But I don't think you're...going to give yourself up. I think you're still in it with him. I don't think it's over.”
“It's over,” Kangin says. “It's over.”
“No,” Heechul says. “It's. You were thinking about him, when we-”
“I wasn't,” Kangin says. “I swear. I swear that I wasn't.”
“He's had a fight with Yeun-ja. Aren't you going to-”
“Heechul,” Kangin says. “For fuck's sake. For somebody who claims to be honest you're going all around the fucking houses here. What is it you want to say? What do you want?”
Heechul looks at him, and Kangin realises that beyond the front and the sarcasm, Heechul's small and unsure and awkward.
“I just want you to be invested in this,” he says, eventually. “I can't go anywhere if you're not invested in me. I can't. I need it to be me. It has to be me.”
“Okay,” Kangin says. “So how do I prove that to you?”
“Tell him,” Heechul says.
“Why?”
“Because I'm afraid that he likes you, too,” Heechul says. “And that if he tells you he does, I'll be...you won't want this. You won't want me anymore.”
“He doesn't,” Kangin says. “We...talked about it. Fuck, maybe 18 months ago. He doesn't feel the same way.”
“I just. I really want you to tell him.”
“Okay,” Kangin says. “Okay.”
***
Eeteuk and Kangin go to the beach the following day. It's the director's idea to replace the driving footage, which he agreed was dire. Eeteuk and Kangin splash about in the water like children, laughing and dive-bombing.
They wrap their arms around each other's shoulders and v-sign the camera, before the director shouts 'cut!'
After filming, they hang around on the sand and watch the sun go down. It's not even cold yet, and Kangin wants to stay forever. Things are so simple, lying by the sea. He doesn't need to think about the mess of his personal life.
“So,” Eeteuk says. “What's going on with you?”
Kangin turns his head to look at Eeteuk. “Oh, God,” he says. “It's complicated.”
“Tell me,” Eeteuk says.
“Hang on,” Kangin says. “What about you? When you met Yeun-ja, you didn't tell me. By the time you told the band, it'd been going on for weeks.”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk says, nodding. “I'm sorry. It just felt...I just. Can I be honest?”
“Yeah,” Kangin says. He's started to get used to brutal honesty.
“I was worried you'd be upset,” Eeteuk says. “Because I know that you feel...about me. I know that you're...I didn't want to upset you. Not that you wouldn't be happy for me. It just felt a bit cruel.”
“How did you know? That I...that I. Fuck. That I liked you.”
“It was...Kangin, you're not subtle.”
“Oh,” Kangin says. “Am I not?”
“No,” Eeteuk says, laughing. “No, you're definitely not.”
“It was hard at first,” Kangin says. “But I just want you to be happy. I'm really glad that you're happy. You know that, right?”
“Yeah,” Eeteuk says. “I do know that. I'm sorry I let the worry get in the way.”
“It's alright,” Kangin says. “Your intentions were good.”
“Shut up,” Eeteuk says.
“No,” Kangin says. “Calm down. Don't get me wrong.”
“Obey me!”
“No,” Kangin says, again. “God, we're a pair. So how are things with Yeun-ja?”
“Looking up,” Eeteuk says, cheerfully. “We're working it out.”
“Good.”
“So tell me,” Eeteuk says. “What mess are you in this time?”
***
The sun falls down behind the dunes and the beach is blue with light. The waves crash on the shore. There's a breeze in the air but they don't feel it, the two boys in the sea.
Kangin lifts Eeteuk up onto his back and then dumps him into the water, and the laughter carries salt for miles.
***
Kangin and Eeteuk head back to the group flat when it gets really dark. They're covered in sand and their hair is all solid with salt. Eeteuk looks at Kangin when they pull up, seeing the nervousness in his eyes.
“It'll be fine,” he says. “Just say what you mean to say. You always had a way with words.”
“He won't even be here,” Kangin says. “He'll be wallpapering my flat or dressing up his cat or something.”
They walk upstairs and there's loud music coming from within. A party. When Eeteuk pushes open the door, there's streamers and plates of food and bottles everywhere. All the band are there, and Yeun-ja, and it's all so warm and so happy that Eeteuk can't stop smiling.
With a knife in his stomach, Kangin follows him into the flat. There's balloons all over the floor which hinder his progress, and he grabs a beer on the way to help his courage.
When he goes into the living room, something understated and sad and not at all festive is playing. And Heechul is dancing, because Heechul dances to anything whether it's easy to dance to or not. Kangin watches him from the doorway until his head turns and he looks at him with his big doe eyes.
“Fuck,” Heechul says. “You look insane. What's wrong with your hair?”
“Sea water,” Kangin says, sitting opposite him in one of their huge chairs. “Eeteuk and I talked.”
“Okay,” Heechul says, turning. He stands surrounded by a song, with such vulnerability in his eyes that Kangin wonders why nobody's ever noticed it before.
“I'm investing,” Kangin says. “I'm investing, alright? I'm here. I want you. Are you with me, or are you not? You have to take me on my word. If you don't trust me-”
“Kangin,” Heechul says, walking over and sitting down on him. “You talk too much.”
“Fucking hell,” Kangin says. “I'm trying to be-”
“Thank you,” Heechul says. “It means a lot that you did that. Move your knee, it's digging into me.”
“So are we doing this?”
“Yeah,” Heechul says. “Yeah. I just needed to know that Eeteuk was-”
“I've let go,” Kangin says. “Some things aren't meant to be. Some things are, beyond all fucking logic and reason.”
“So,” Heechul says, as Kangin strokes his back. “Can I be the Bond girl in your skit?”
***
A few nights later, it happens. Nobody rushes it, which Kangin thinks is why it works. He and Heechul sit around the flat at night watching films and eating dinner, and then one night, it all changes. It starts out in Kangin's lap, the kissing, the brutal, hard kissing. Heechul is grinding a bit and Kangin can't stand it so he yanks him up and walks with him to the bedroom.
When he throws Heechul down on the bed, Heechul's eyes are darker than the sky at night, which Kangin takes as a compliment. He lies down on Heechul and feels his body press up against his own, the kissing deepening. When he runs his hands up Heechul's body Heechul raises his arms above his head, submissive and coquettish and perfectly, perfectly irritating.
“God,” he says. “You're fucking maddening.”
“I'll get fucking mad,” Heechul murmurs. “If you don't f-”
“Alright,” Kangin says. “Alright!”
Kangin is aware that Heechul is particular, that he likes certain things a certain way. He's starting to learn just how to play that game. He knows that Heechul likes being prepped, but only if Kangin strokes his cock at the same time. And he knows that Heechul likes it a certain way, a certain touch. Heechul gives quiet instructions and rewards him with reverent silence, the kind of blissful expression that Kangin saw in the shower so many weeks ago.
Kangin realises that Heechul likes the first moment the best, the first bitter thrust, the one that takes all the air out of his lungs. Heechul bites down on his lip so hard then that Kangin tries to kiss him to make him stop. Heechul bites his lip, then, but Kangin figures that fair's fair. It helps him to think about things that aren't Heechul, that aren't how fucking insanely hot this all this, that aren't the burning tingle in his body. When he moves forward, he groans ragged and long and Heechul sucks in breath until it shrieks.
“Oh, God,” Heechul says, when his lungs are full of air, when he can't bear it anymore. “Fuck, fuck, just, do it, fuck-”
“Fucking hell,” Kangin says. “Backseat fucking...fucker, shut up. Stop giving me directions. Just, shut up-”
“Hey,” Heechul says, reaching down his stomach for his cock. “You're a shitty map-reader. I'm just trying to help you so you don't get lost.”
“I swear,” Kangin says. “I am going to slap your stupid face.”
To prove a point, Kangin shoves Heechul's hand away. He wraps his own hand around Heechul's cock and Heechul rises up against him, a moan in his throat that's pure and perfect. It makes Kangin grin, despite himself.
Slowly, the thrusts go from an undulation to a hard roar of movement, Kangin losing himself in the feeling of it. He doesn't take long and he's getting to the stage where he doesn't care if Heechul does. He's a habit of being accidentally selfish in bed, and that's not how he wants to be remembered.
“Fuck,” he groans. “Are you close? Please tell me you're fucking close.”
Heechul opens his eyes and blinks away the sweat from his forehead. His mouth is soaking wet and when he speaks, his words are soaking wet, too. Kangin thinks for a moment that he's going to quip, and if he does Kangin thinks he will slap his face, even if he has to go to the bathroom afterwards and jerk off.
“Fuck,” Heechul shudders out. “Right there, right there, yeah, like that – just, not much more, not much, fuck, Kangin, there-”
Heechul has his legs wrapped around Kangin. It's reminiscent of the time before, only one of Heechul's hands is in Kangin's hair and the other is in his own. He's tugging with both. There's a thousand different noises in his throat and he's rolling through them as he's rolling through Kangin's rhythm, pushing up to meet him. His nostrils flare when there's a spike of pleasure, and that's dangerously arousing for Kangin.
He's looking at Kangin. That's the difference. Whenever there's a wave of pleasure, his eyes open a bit and they're so dark, so pleased, so out of focus that Kangin can't hold off, can't do anything watching Heechul but want to come and come and come.
“Heechul,” he says, raggedly. “Fucking hurry up, fucking hurry up. Come now, you bastard, can't you come-”
And Heechul, despite being the most disobedient person Kangin knows, does. Hard and unexpected and all over Kangin's hand. And the relief is so tangible, the sheer relief, as Kangin lets go of cramped muscles and tension and just disappears in the rush of feeling that floods through him.
As he vanishes into white noise, he just catches the noise Heechul makes. It's a little like the noise of a string snapping on an expensive violin. He leans down and bites Heechul's collarbone until he makes it, again and again and again.
***
“So,” the manager says to them, looking pleased. “You'll all want to know about the figures.”
Heechul is grinning already. Kangin kicks him under the table, and Eeteuk kicks him for it.
“You might be surprised,” the manager says.
“Oh, I doubt it,” Hankyung says, and Eeteuk kicks him, too. He meets Kangin's foot mid-kick.
“Jesus,” the manager interjects. “Can anybody here behave like an adult for more than two minutes?”
“No,” Heechul says. “Sorry.”
“Right,” he goes on. “Anyway, the DVD that sold the most was Donghae's.”
“What?” Heechul says.
“What?” Donghae says.
Their manager looks at them in despair.
“Wow,” Donghae says. “I've underestimated my popularity.”
“No,” Heechul says. “The fans just like to see us in embarrassing and ludicrous situations. You had an advantage by being totally crap at your task. Presumably Kangin's was second, then?”
“Actually,” the manager says. “Yours was second, Heechul.”
There is a long pause that's eventually punctuated by Kangin's laughter.
“Fuck you!” Heechul shrieks. “Please tell me his was last!”
“Third,” the manager sighs. “Tied with Eeteuk.”
Hankyung looks around the table, at all of these strange people he chooses to be with day-in, day-out. “Please tell me,” he says. “That we're never doing anything like this again.”
“Actually-” the manager begins, and everybody groans.
no subject
I am SO pleased you liked that part -- it was one of my favourite parts to write! Heechul is my favourite, so I'm glad you felt I did him justice. :D